turn to me instead

So i get really bad anxiety, and i look to much to my friends to find my value and worth. It is something i really struggle with. I am in counseling right now, and i talk with my councilor about it a lot. We have come up with a few analogies to help me deal with this, but there has been one that has come up multiple times. Its the canoe analogy. Basically i need to learn how to be comfortable in my own canoe and to stay in that canoe. I all to often jump in others people canoes to find my value and worth. Like if i am not sure if a person i care a lot about is ok with me, i can come unglued. If i find out that a lot of my friends have hung out together and i was not invited i become unglued. Because i think it is a negative reflection on who i am. I think that there is something about me that is not ok which causes people to not like me or not want me to be apart of the group. I have struggled with this all my life. Seriously. It has given me more anxiety and depression then anything i have ever dealt with. And it is because i have never been able to be ok with who I am with out the approval of others. And when i think others who i really want to be loved by do not love me, i freak out inside. My anxiety causes me to question everything about myself about the other people, and it is a horrible pit of negativity. I hate it. I really do, because I forget about Jesus. I forget about his love and the value of his life that he put on me. I start thinking negative about people who are my friends and who i know care about me and love me, but i lose faith and trust in that, and it drives me insane. It is a switch that i have no control over. Or as my councilor puts it, at least not yet. I think the hard truth for me to grasp is that i do not understand life outside of this. I have grown up in constant fear of things not being ok, and feeling the need to make them ok. Feeling the responsibility to make them ok, to make others ok. To make sure i am ok. Not to go completely into my life story, but from the time i can remember until i was 17, i don't remember a day without yelling in my family. During that same time period, i don't remember being able to spend time with my mom with out having to worry about her getting horribly upset about something, and feeling the need to walk on egg shells to make sure that did not happen. But it was all completely out of my control. My mom and my step dad do not have a great relationship, they are working on it, but it has caused me to put a guard up that i don't know how to take down. I see them constantly reject each other, and it puts this horrible fear in me of rejection. I don't want that. I don't want to do that to anyone, and i don't want that done to me. Along with that, my brother would constantly be upset with someone in my family, whether it be me, my dad, or my mom. And the yelling would never stop. All i saw was rejection, and i felt i always needed to make everything better, but no matter how hard i tried it was out of my control. completely.

So to any of my friends that read this please forgive me when i come unglued. Please forgive me when i feel rejected by you even though it was never in your thought process. Please forgive me for trying to fix everything and make everything ok, when it is not in my control to do or not my responsibility to do so. Know that your friendship means the world to me. Know that i struggle with this, and if you can remind me from time to time that you are really there and that i really do matter to you and am loved by you, remind me to find my value and worth in Christ, so i can learn to stay in my own canoe. because i forget that so easily and it becomes hard for me to just relax and be myself. Know that I hate seeing pain in people, i hate seeing any of you in pain and never want to be responsible for causing it in your life or anyone Else's and want to try so hard to make your life better, and sometimes i get in the way of you dealing with what you might need to deal with. Please forgive me for that. But know its just because for some reason i have a heart that is filled with so much compassion, probably because of my own pain, and hatred of hurt and suffering.

and mom, if you read this, know that i love you. I know you question it from time to time because you feel so bad for things that have happened in the past. They were painful to experience, but know that I love you. You are the best mom i ever had. I love you.

Anyways, i woke up this morning and called one of my friends, i found out that he and some other of my friend hung out last night, and it hurt because i did not get a phone call to be apart of that. It should not have, but it did. I have his pit of rejection that lingers inside of me. it is my own crap that makes it hurt, it is everything written above that makes it hurt. I do not want to let it, but it does. Because i am afraid i screwed up the other day. i am afraid i said something to someone and now when they are all together, they might think it is not ok for me to be there. That thought kills me. I hurts because i don't want that to be true. It hurts because i am so insecure about my own value and worth. Because i jump in their canoes and still struggle to allow God's love and grace and value of me to allow me to rest in my own. Again to my friends that read this and know they were part of that group, i am sorry for making you deal with my crap. I am sorry i don't trust the love and grace you have on me and that i struggle so much with that. Please forgive me for my insecurities.

After talking with my friend and finding this out, i picked up my guitar and decided to play, hoping to just find some peace. as i was playing these words just came to me with the chord progression i was playing. I think it was God helping me to remember him, because that's what i need most to do. I need to turn to God instead. I need to trust him, and allow him to give me the peace to be able to breathe and not let my anxiety get the best of me.

i am trying my best
to remember
all the things you said
all the things you said

don't give up
don't give in
remember me
turn to me instead
turn to me instead

because i am short on breath
i am short on breath

honesty

I am afraid.

I am afraid of not being good enough.

I am afraid of not being truly loved.

I am afraid that people see me the way i think they do.

I am not free.

my faith is really weak.

I wear thick masks.

I want so badly to be able to take them off.

I wan to tell people who i am so much, but am so afraid to do so.

I am afraid of rejection.

I am afraid that the things i desire most will never come true for me.

I am afraid that the passion in my heart to love others will never be accepted by those i want to love. seek to love, pursue to love.

I am afraid that i missed something growing up.

its the thing that i see in others that i don' t have.

comfort in their own skin.

confidence.

peace.

joy.

The ability to talk with out worrying what others might think.

the ability to do.

to do anything.

with out playing ping pong in my head over whether it was the right or wrong thing to do.

to do and just know it was done and have faith that what ever it was will not leave me alone and fearful.

That it won't be the thing i did that defines me for the rest of my life.

But i am fearful. And i do feel alone.

Not always.

I have some incredible friends, that i know love me and cherish my friendship.

And i am so thankful for them because they don't hide and they allow me not to hide.

all the time.

they don't wear a thick masks,

always.

I mean we all hide right?

We all wear a mask right?

I wear the " I'm the good Christian" mask.

I wear the "I'll smile to let people think I'm really ok "mask.

I wear the "I'm confident" mask.

but that's the extent of it.

they are masks.

I am not a good Christan.

I don't usually feel ok.

and i am not confidnet.

I want and desire all those things.

but i don't have them.

I struggle to trust God.

I sin,

I sin horribly.

i say one thing, do another thing, think another thing, desire another thing.

I rebel against what i know is good because....

well partially because i want to know the extent that i am truly loved.

I want to know how much it will take to not be loved anymore.

that way i can at least know what line not to cross anymore.

That way i have a boundary.

I have a safe fense around me.

that way i can set myself in that boundary and never risk anything.

never leave.

have my rules and my box. and my comfort.

because i don't know if i will really be loved if i go outside of my fense.

I don't know if i will still be loved if i am bold and if i risk.

because if i am not bold and don't risk, i will keep everything comfortable.

But i won't be happy.

I'm not happy.

I am an addict.

I am a smoker

i have not had a cigarette in 30 days if i make it through tomorrow.

but then i just smoked hukah tonight, and i can't wait to smoke a cigarette.

seriously

I am already dreaming of my next one.

why, because i want to know i quit for myself and not for others.

because i feel like i quit for others and not myself. because i want people to think i am a good Christian.

Because i want people to think i am an incredible person.

because i want to be able to wear the mask that says "I am strong".

I am not strong.

I am weak, and i am in pain.

I cry from it.

I am a man.

I cry.

I hurt.

I am not confident.

I do not trust God

I do not trust people

and i do not even trust myself.

I am alone.

I am afraid.

I smoke because it helps me relax for 3 mins.

sometimes,

other times it does nothing.

and other times it,

well honestly it makes things worse,

but for some reason i think that next one,

will give me the same buzz i use to get back in the day.

It felt amazing.

I was like utopia.

zen.

instant.

gratifying

for that moment.

It was also fake,

short

never fully satisfying.

but honestly i could relax for a short time,

and think clearly?

kind of.

sometimes.

I lust too.

because then i have control over my thoughts.

when i lust i don't have to worry about rejection.

my thoughts are under my remote control.

That's the "virgin" mask i wear though though.

I think a lot of guys might wear that one....well probably less and less, but still i am no better then any of them that can't put on the vergin mask.

sure i never had real sex,

but i think about it just as much.

I want it to be real.

I dwell on it.

But

i am scared to open myself up to someone in a relationship that could lead to marriage.

because then i need to trust that someone might really love me.

Then i need to open up about who i am to someone.

it scares the hell out of me.

because then i need to open myself up to rejection.

Pain.

hurting.

tears.

but my fear keeps me from even realizing that in that kind of relationship there might actually be more:

joy,

comfort,

love,

peace,

harmony,

grace,

forgiveness,

beauty,

creation,

excitement.

There really might be.

Someone might really love me.

not just as a friend, because it is easy to love friends, there is no commitment.

there is no being trapped.

There is no need to love sacrificially.

we can when it is convenient,

but if its too hard we just say we are too busy.

but if that's it, then we never know real love.

we never really put ourselves out there for the possibility of experience love close to what Jesus has for his church.

intimacy that is pure.

becoming one with another and only with that other.

the truth is

i am not whole by myself yet.

obviously if you could not tell from reading everything i just wrote.

I am broken into so many peaces.

I am hurting.

I feel the brokenness inside of me.

i feel it tingle in my fingers.

I feel it sit on my heart.

i feel it every time i try to take a breath that just never seems to be deep enough.

I want to be whole.

I want to be redeemed.

i want the cracks to be mended.

I want to be soaked in water so that i can be reformed and reshaped.

I want to be whole.

I want to trust,

I want to trust God

more then anything

I want to trust God.

I want to know that He really loves me.

personally.

that although i am not good enough and fail miserably,

I am still loved by God.

I want to be able to trust that.

stand in that.

live in that

breath in that.

love in that.

learn in that.

be who i am and was created to be in that.

I want that to make me whole.

i want that to mend me.

Jesus i am sorry i don't always believe this.

Jesus help me to believe this.

Jesus, help me to know love,

help me to know joy,

help me to know peace.

Jesus help.

Jesus help me to know it so far inside of myself that i can give it to others.

Help me to believe it so i can quit focusing on me, and focus on others.

and love others.

Jesus help.

music

So I sit at work each day and listen to music. I either youtube videos of songs i freaking love, or listen to pandora and let go...somewhat, of the control i have to what I listen to. (where should i go from here....should i talk about the depths of our desire for control as humans, and how much we need to let that go to allow God to really truly work through us? or should I talk more about the impression that music plays in our lives as humans and the depths of our soul that music has the ability to speak too? hmmm....) Aright anyways...how do i even continue writing after that. I think I just ruined any chance for an ah-ha moment for anyone that might read this.

So as i said i listen to music all through out work. It helps me to stay distracted from my actual job. It helps me to concentrate on what i actually need to work on for my actual job. It relaxes my anxieties, it stirs my emotions to get tense and start back into my OCD mind set of thoughts that i look way to deeply in but won't seem to leave my head. It humbles me at the ability people have to write lyrics and poems and place them in melody and harmony to music and rhythm. and it makes me arrogant to think that i might somehow be able to write a song as well as the ones i listen too, or even hope that i might be able to.

It flows...at least the music i listen to. It flows into my heart. It flows into my brain. it flows with my soul. It is like the comfort my eyes get as i watch a water fall, for some reason that is soothing to my eyes that relaxes my entire body. I don't remember a time where i looked at a waterfall and felt tense. I feel relaxed. I feel comforted. One of the coolest memories i hope i will never lose, is looking at a waterfall and as it crashed into the river below an enormous cloud would form and raise up and just at it got to eye level of the look out i could actually see rain drops form and fall back into the river. and about 5 mins later another cloud would form raise up to just about eye level, and as i would look strait forward at the cloud that was in front of me, another set of rain drops would form and fall down into the river and rocks below. It was amazing. It was beautiful It was peaceful. It was comforting. It was nature, it was creation, it was beautiful.

I feel like that's what music does for my soul. Good music. not even just music, but poetry, a good sermon, an incredible blog (which is really weird saying because blog just seems like and ugly word). A pastor named Mark Driscoll said once that he thought that people did not start speaking in prose until after Adam and Eve had eaten the apple. And after sin entered the world we began to speak instead of sing. Even Tolkien paints a beautiful picture of music being at the essence of creation in his book the The Silmarillion. Knowing full well this book is fiction, it is still an idea that shows the beauty of music. That it was through music God created, and through music the creatures that were able to create with God. That there is harmony and melody and i discord brought about by creations music. But God is able to take even the discord and make it beautiful. Even the music that was meant to bring about chaos and disarray God used for for what is good. I don't even know where i am going with all this.

Music speaks to the depths of who we are a humans. It speaks into the good and the bad of all of us. It speaks to us in a way that a book would never be able to. It allows ideas to hit us in ways we might not be able to understand by just hearing someone talk about it. or even my typing about it. I think we were created for music. I think we all were created to sing. Even those of us who say we have horrible voices. I love sitting in churches and during the worship just shutting up and listening to everyone around me singing. its amazing because all the flats synchronize with the sharps. All the different octaves blend together, and it is the most beautiful sound. God understands music. He loves it. God understands our voices, he loves them. God understand our hearts when we sing. Whether our vocal chords make beautiful sounds or whether they sound squeaky, and we know we would never make it on American Idol, God loves the hearts behind the voices, and if it is our hearts that are leading us to sing. He loves the song that comes forward.

Sometimes i hear people's voices and the beauty of the voice just kills me. It melts me. It makes me close my eyes and not want to quit listening. It makes me breath deeply, relax, and be so thankful for the ability to hear the voice of the person singing. It makes me want to get outside of the body that i feel trapped in. It makes me want to break free of the mental chains that i have that hold me back from being the person I want to be. It makes me want to follow God more, to love God more, to have a stronger faith in Jesus and more courage to follow him, to love others more intentionally. Amy Lee, Alli Rogers, Derek Webb, Shane and Shane, Aaron Lewis, these are just a few of the people who i could listen to for ever. these are the people that stir up the most passion within my heart for God and for others.

I say all that and just think to myself, what will it be like in heaven when everyone is quiet, as God stands in front of us, after all tears have been wiped away, and everyone has immense joy in their heart for having been called a good and faithful servant. And as God looks out he sings. Imagine what that voice would sound like. Imagine the melody and harmony that would flow out as one from God. I would go even further to say imagine the ability for us to hear from God sounds that we have never known. that even as he sing we can see the music, we can see colors flow with the music. we can feel the music in our toes and fingers and all around our skin. That it would pass through the whole of who we are. I can't wait for that day. I can't wait to be apart of that. I can't wait to see people who have been in my life people who have influenced me and loved me and stood next to me, and people i have loved and stood next to, as we all stand together and experience this together. And as we are all able to start singing this song with God. I think it would be beautiful. Even more to imagine that all that i just wrote is so weak to what God has already prepared in heaven.

this might be a crappy ending and what i wrote might sound extremely cheesy, but i think the truth is that music is so much more then just sounds and harmony and melody. It is has a power to reach into the places we don't easily let people touch. It has the ability to open us to something we need to know. It has the ability to connect us to others, and draw us closer to God. It renews our soul, it captivates our imaginations. It captivates our emotions and our senses. Let it captivate you, let God captivate you through music. Let it open you. Let it draw out your emotions. Let it relax your muscles, your ears, your eyes and your mind, your heart. let it be cold pouring water over a burn on your skin.

I Give Up

I am giving up
I am giving in
I am bending down
and letting in


All that you would want for me
All that you could take away
From my joy to fears
passion and tears
Love and Lust
pride and trust


take and give all that must
be given and gone
to make me strong
to make me bold
to make me love
to make me hope
to perfect this creature
that you are trying to mold.

Perfect this heart
perfect this soul
perfect my eyes
to see clearly your goal

beyond the chaos
beyond the tears
clear my head
so blurry from fears
lift my heart so heavy from shame
Call me out with a new name


let the old be gone
ashes and dust
the new arise
with purity to trust

that you are there
and will not leave
will not walk away
will not forsake me.


Give me the ability to not just love myself
but to love others who hurt with guilt
who are over looked and oppressed
who feel inadequate to clean up their own mess
who don't understand they don't have to be like the rest.

Give me a love to show their possibility to let go
their Possibility to love
their possibility to grow
their possibility to get out
Their possibility to give up their sin for holy control.


Possibility to be loved
possibility to hope
possibility to let go
of addictions and foe's

possibility for life
possibility for freedom
possibility for being some thing more
then the others would have named them.


that they are not just another
the unnamed or unnoticed.
That they are the eternal
created to be one of the purest.

Let me not forget to open my eyes
when I look around as this world cries
when I see the little girl that weeps
when I see the boy hungry, unable to sleep.

Let me not forget to act on what i see
that you open my eyes to take hold of the opportunity
To show your love, to show your grace
To take away burdens and tell them your name.

the name of love of hope of peace
the name of grace in which i seek.
the name of freedom that will break the chains
with nails and a cross used to kill you in place of me.

"All Men are D-Bags"

Yeah that is def. a derogatory title.

I just walked out of the movies tonight with some friends and two of the girls I was with, both agreed upon this accusation. I was standing right there. I am not sure how exactly to respond to this, but i am going to try.

First off i admit that I myself have not always treated girls well. I admit that there has been one girl in my life that i treated like absolute dirt. I was 17 years old, and the day after this event took place, i went crying to my church because i felt like a cheep d-bag. I spent the rest of the summer trying to call this girl to apologize, and ended up writing her three letters. The first week of School my senior year, she walked up to me and said that she forgave me. I still feel like a d-bad for what i had done. Aside from that one incident. I need to also make this statement. Girls if all guys are d-bags....and lets just put it out there, maybe the majority are but not all. So lets rephrase- if most guys are d-bags, QUIT LETTING THEM TREAT YOU THE WAY THEY DO!

Now here is my frustration. I am not perfect, and know that i will hurt another girl in my future. I think it is inevitable. Even when i am married i know that i will at some point break my wife's heart. I will make a stupid decision, i will say words that i wish never would have come out of my mouth. Something will take place and my wife/girlfriend/daughter/girl that is a friend, will be incredibly hurt by what i say or do. At the same time i expect this from my girlfriend, wife, daughter, girl that is a friend...well i don't expect it, but i am not naive, and know that at some point it will happen. But seriously, i pray to God that no girl will ever look at me or hear my name and think "yeah that guy is a d-bag." That would kill me. I have lived my life trying to hard as much as i can to respect girls, and show them that they are loved and beautiful creations of God. Rarely will you ever hear the word "hot" come out of my mouth in reference to how i think a girl looks. Rarely will you ever see me not open the door for a girl, or not be chivalrous. I don't yell at girls and i don't call them bitches. If i meet a cute girl, and describe them to my friends, their body is never a part of my definition. Their face, their eyes, their hair, their personality, their smile, their attitude, their passion for life or interests and heart, are what i look for. Not their breasts, stomach, legs or ass. And why not be honest sure i might think to myself that a girl has a nice body, but let me be even more honest, i know for sure that no matter how physically attractive a girl is, their personality will always be what makes them beautiful or not. NOT THEIR LOOKS.

So why do i write all this, what is my frustration exactly? Why do girls always make the guys who are sweet and sensitive, and truly care about them feel like they are not good enough? Why is it that if a guy is not arrogant or cocky, or a guy who does not talk about himself like he is the shit, always get treated like they are "cute" or "a nice guy" but never like a man. Why is it that girls will always chance the guy that is a dick a complete d-bag, and leave the good guys on the side. I'm sick of it. Girls if you really want guys to not be d-bags, then start looking for the guys that aren't. And quit letting the guys that are get away with it. We are out there, and chances are we have a crush on you. Even more then that, chances are we have been trying to show you or tell you or even talk to you, but you continue to make us feel worthless because we don't have stellar looks, or a washboard stomach, or dress extremely fashionably, or have a lot of money. And we are probably timid about it because we are so use to hearing "oh that's cute" or seeing you so upset over the last d-bag that you wanted that treated you like shit. But i guarantee you that the love that we want to show you would be better then you have ever experienced. We might actually love you for your heart and not your chest. We might actually open doors out of our complete desire to serve you and respect you, not to just sneak a peak of your ass. We might actually buy you flowers just because we want to show you we love you and think you are beautiful, not to just get you to sleep with us. And yea, we might not be all that confident, or at least not in the way you would want us to be. I actually had a few different girls tell me that it was hot when i was arrogant. I would say things jokingly and they would tell me that it was hot. Fuck...yes i said the f word....Fuck that. Girls really want arrogant guys. REALLY! I don't want to talk about how great i am, or be "strong" and tell a girl what to do. Maybe i want to watch the girl be who she is and just love her, or maybe i want to allow the girl to build me up a little because of the respect i give her that she is not use to. Not tell me i am cute, for it. Or tell me how much she is not use to having a door opened and go on to tell me how she can open it herself. Of course she can, that's not the freaking point. The point is to show the girl that she is honored and respected. it is to serve her to allow her to know that she means more to us/me then just another person or a piece of meet. That she is my FATHERS daughter. That she is God's daughter and that she is a beautiful creation and a princess who commands my respect. NO i won't be arrogant, I wont talk about myself like i am the shit, and i won't talk about how strong i am, or how weak other people are. I won't try to impress you with my body or my money, or my style or looks. I want to impress you with how i love you, how i serve you, my heart for other people and for God.

So I'm sick of it. I'm sick of hearing girls say in front of me that guys are stupid, dumb, d-bags, boys, jerks, dicks, what ever term any of you girls might want to use. Because honestly you are the ones that allow guys to be like that. If you don't want guys to be like that then put us in our freaking place when we act like that, quit falling for the lying piece of shit guys that might talk all nice, but still treat you like shit all the time, player, arrogant, bastards that you give your time and attention to. God does not want that for you and I hate seeing it. We are out there, we will love you, we will respect you, and we will care for you better then what you have ever been cared for before in your life, just give us a freaking chance and quit calling us cute and belittling our actions or words that are being sent out in love and respect for you.

A better follower

I want to be a better Christian.

I don't want to only be a good christian around other people who are good Christians.

I was walking downtown yesterday and got a text from one of my high school students whose grandma was going into the hospital with a serious condition and He asked me to pray for his grandma. I wanted to stop right there and pray with the friend i was walking with, but i also did not want to be that kind of christian that would only do that when i was walking with a friend and who in another case would just continue through-out the day with out really giving much consideration to actually praying about my students grandma. about an hour later as we were still walking downtown i told my friend about my student and asked if we could stop and pray.

I felt fake, maybe i did not feel fake, but i felt like i was looking better then what i am. I was seriously concerned with my students family and for his grandma, but I want to know that I am just as good of a person when no one is around (which i am not) then when anyone is near me.

I got a text last night at 1:00ish...the grandma had past away. It sucked. He asked me to pray for his family as they go through this rough time. I thought about him and his family, continued to stay online, closed my computer and went to bed. I sound like a cheap piece of shit. I did pray for his family a little bit, but not as passionately as i might have if i was with him or around other people.

I don't want to keep being that person. I don't want to keep living two-faced, with my sin off around people and sin on when no one is paying attention. I think lately i have been learning to be more honest about who i am with people in the moment. I decided that i would swear if i felt like it, not always but every once in a while. I had a pastor tell me at one point in my life that i was immature because i would sensor my speech or conduct around certain people. he told me it was alright to joke around some people and inappropriate around others. I felt like that was bull shit. Its ok to be crude, or swear when you know someone, but if some one does not know you, you should put on a clean face and appearance around them. Isn't that being deceitful? Isn't that not being who you are and not allowing genuine relationship to form. I feel like if someone could not handle the words hell, damn, shit or fuck, there is no way they would be alright reading the bible.

I decided i would not hide the fact that i smoked, but then decided to quit smoking, but i feel like i did it more because i cared what people thought when i was honest about the fact that i smoked.... I cared about that even more so then my mental heath or my physical health. It makes me want to smoke again, just so prove to myself that i am not doing it for those reasons, but then I remember the way it makes me feel and the struggle i have in my head when i do smoke about it being right or wrong and feeling like a failure for giving into addiction.

Can i be honest, I am a failure. I do suck at life, and i do struggle. I struggle to follow Jesus where he wants me to go. I struggle to love people that never show me love or that are not cool with me. I struggle to not sin, lust, be prideful, greedy, slothful or gluttonous. I am selfish, and i can be arrogant. I don't protect my heart, and I don't protects others hearts. I do things that are wrong because i want the quick feeling of gratification and i don't want it to be delayed. I struggle with anxiety because i want things to be perfect and i want them to be in my control. Everything. I want to only work when i feel like it (hence i am writing this right now at work), and i want to control people so that they respond to me in the way i want them to so i can be satisfied inside with the way they respond to my so called love for them. If i say something passion filled to a girl i want to hear a similar response back, and when i don't get that, i get anxious about it because i want to know that i can be loved too. That i am good enough for them too. I want to know that i am not going to be alone all of my life. I want to know that inside my heart i can truly be loved. I want to learn how to accept that because i have not, and don't know how. I don't seek my love from God. I don't seek my identity through Jesus, and i don't let the Holy Spirit come into the places of my heart that needs him the most. I build walls and i put locks on the doors. Instead i try and seek my love through fantasy, or through girls. I find my identity through what others say or think, or what i think they are saying or thinking about me. And i let those words and my own, mostly negative thoughts and Satan continue to screw up my heart and twist my soul and distort the beautiful creation that Jesus has made me and trying to redeem me to be.

I want to be whole in Christ regardless of what people would say about me or think about me. I want to accept that i am loved regardless of my flaws. I want to be able to be honest about my sin with myself and God and my close friends so that i can be redeemed and let God into those locked doors to clean out my heart. I want to stop putting my faith in fantasy and desire for intimacy. I want to have confidence in my identity in Christ Jesus. and not struggle so much to trust him and have faith in him. I want to be a better christian.

Now

fearing the future
regrets from the past
this moment lost
with anxiety compressed

hopelessly flawed
wonderfully saved
I hold on to grace
to make it through my day

Learning to breath
and hoping to see
now for what it is
not fearing what might be

Faith is for living
anxiety death
Hope is joy in this moment
and letting go of the rest.

control can't be found
as hard as i try
I lose all the ability
and give up my pride

help me to see now
for what it is was meant
a moment to be
a moment to see
a moment to love
a moment to be not just content
more importantly free.

the capo

i want to go home and play in the snow
or pick up my guitar and play a show
yesterday this sweet girl on the bus
she got me a new capo

I was riding on the bus
and this wonderful one
handed me a gift for not giving in
handed me some encouragement to leave my sin

Her curly hair and bright blue eyes
the hug that she gave me
with this nice little suprise.

She listen to the conversation
she showed me she cared
she gave me this gift so i can put music
to the lemricks i have prepared.

As cool as the gift
as nice as it sounds
it was better to see
the smiles she shown

She gave out of love
not nesisarrily a romantic kind
but one that says i know you
and your friendship is truely mine.

These are the moments i cannot lose
these are the ones that i know God chose
to bring in my life to show me he's there
to show me not to give up, and that he really cares.

even if she never meant to
or only thought it a small gift
She showed the touch of an angel
she allowed God to reach through the rift.

To break through the barrier
that seperates our souls
to give faith to others
breaking expectations and letting go of control.

i have generalized anxiety disorder.

its kind of weird, i am slightly OCD.

I am also overly fearful of rejection.

because of this, i tend not to stay in my canoe.

in another term, i let other people name me.

in another term i try to find my identity through other people.

i find it through a girl i crush on.

through a friend i wish i could be more like,

through a mentor who i want to be like when i grow up.

and yes, i have not fully grown up yet, and i am pretty much ok with it.

So why do i write this all down. 

because tonight during counciling 

my councilor made some points that really struck me.

I always feel like i missed something developementally. 

I found it out tonight talking with my  counselor.

i never learned how to be ok with being in my own canoe.

I never allowed myself to have confidance in myself, or in God just being me.

I am only ok when other people told me what a good person i am, 

Or if they respond to me the when and how i want them to, to show me i am good enough

and when someone i care about tells me i am not ok or in my eyes shows me that i am not ok.

i am devistated. full of anxiety.

entirely obsesed with making the other person ok with who i am .

All this to say, i need to learn how to stay in my own canoe.

and not jump into other peoples canoes.

I need to learn how to wait until someone wants me to pull my canoe aside to theirs and continue with them with out leaving my canoe. 

I need to let Jesus be the center of my canoe and the prop for stearing my canoe.

I need to understand grace. I need to understand that I am me, with all my flaws, corks, and amazingly enough good qualities with bad ones too. but i am me, and i should not have to apologize for that. I need to realize that i can change certain things or allow my self to be changed for the better, but it needs to be choices for myself and not for others. 

stay in my canoe, thats what i need to do. i think it would be good for all others to do the same.

sometimes i feel like i have so much packed inside my chest that i need to get out. Then i sit here and start typing and i feel like there is nothing important to say. I want the attention of Donald Miller for being able to write such a compelling story about Christianity that all indie/subculture Protestant Christians will want to pick it up and read it because they think it speaks to their lives so much. Or be able to write songs like Derek Webb because i want to speak some theological truth into someones life through music, or at least have the conviction to speak out against the crap that our christian culture says we need to follow.



I love Donald Miller and I love Derek Webb, i am so jealous of their abilities to speak the truth of God, of Jesus into our lives. I am an indie christian, and they are some of my favorite people to listen to. I hope that I don't misconstrue my opinion about them. I think the bigger issue, is that i want to really know and understand this Jesus that they speak about. I hear about joy, i hear about peace. I hear about love, compassion, faith, and all these things. I wish i knew more about them. I know pain, i know fear, i know rejection. I know that my life is a lot better then so many peoples in the world. I also know that i have chemical imbalance inside of me that makes my fear, my anxieties, and my low times, a lot harder to deal with then what others might.



Jesus i want to know you. I want to understand were my life is going, and when i will feel a sense of normalcy in my life. I want to be in control. Jesus i think that is my problem. I want control in areas of my life that i have no control. or i am too afraid to take control of the things that are in front of me, a fear of failure. Jesus allow me to give up my pride and my desire to be in control. Help me to replace it with faith. Not just words or an inner peace about life, but real faith and confidence that you are going to make all things right. That you will truly bring redemption into my twisted thoughts and broken heart. That my mind would be pure, and my heart would love out of being loved, not love out of seeking love back.

I think Hebrews 4:15 is one of the greatest verses for me to take in because it makes me confront the fact that I am loved regardless of my sin. That my sin really does not seperate me from God. God is still there as i sin telling me he wants better for me, telling me that he understands the reasons of my rebellion he has felt them with with his entire being, so he understands me. That there is no thought or feeling i could ever have that he did not have at one point. There is not one temptation that anyone has ever struggled with that he did not struggle with himself. He was a man aquinted with sorrow, abandoned, greif stricken, alone, by himself, feeling as though he had no one that could possible understand for him to talk with face to face. I have been there. and the truth is that is a lie i allow myself to believe, the truth for him was that it was the truth. Yet he chose to love, for the sake of loving, and to forgive for the sake of love, and give grace for the sake of redemption. To give his own life so that i could live. I hate how i can want to know that in my heart so bad, and feel these slight glimpses of it, but not fully embrace it. I wish my chest could open up and consume it, and not struggle to have faith, or struggle to believe the truth of it.

overflow

the cup is full as water over flows

slowly sliding down on to the floors

thoughts of mercy, justice and truth

consume the heart of beauty and of youth



pouring slowly so not to break

the fragle heart that inward will take

this love and joy that is not understood

with conviction to let out all that is good.



with fractures and holes

the water stays in

though pain shown through tears

the molding begins

perfecting the outlets

for this youth to let out

all thats been given

and needs to be let out.

I sit back and watch the scenery

the life of one who wants to be set free

confined to all that a life thats lived will breed

to take away the inoscence that is meant to be.