honesty

I am afraid.

I am afraid of not being good enough.

I am afraid of not being truly loved.

I am afraid that people see me the way i think they do.

I am not free.

my faith is really weak.

I wear thick masks.

I want so badly to be able to take them off.

I wan to tell people who i am so much, but am so afraid to do so.

I am afraid of rejection.

I am afraid that the things i desire most will never come true for me.

I am afraid that the passion in my heart to love others will never be accepted by those i want to love. seek to love, pursue to love.

I am afraid that i missed something growing up.

its the thing that i see in others that i don' t have.

comfort in their own skin.

confidence.

peace.

joy.

The ability to talk with out worrying what others might think.

the ability to do.

to do anything.

with out playing ping pong in my head over whether it was the right or wrong thing to do.

to do and just know it was done and have faith that what ever it was will not leave me alone and fearful.

That it won't be the thing i did that defines me for the rest of my life.

But i am fearful. And i do feel alone.

Not always.

I have some incredible friends, that i know love me and cherish my friendship.

And i am so thankful for them because they don't hide and they allow me not to hide.

all the time.

they don't wear a thick masks,

always.

I mean we all hide right?

We all wear a mask right?

I wear the " I'm the good Christian" mask.

I wear the "I'll smile to let people think I'm really ok "mask.

I wear the "I'm confident" mask.

but that's the extent of it.

they are masks.

I am not a good Christan.

I don't usually feel ok.

and i am not confidnet.

I want and desire all those things.

but i don't have them.

I struggle to trust God.

I sin,

I sin horribly.

i say one thing, do another thing, think another thing, desire another thing.

I rebel against what i know is good because....

well partially because i want to know the extent that i am truly loved.

I want to know how much it will take to not be loved anymore.

that way i can at least know what line not to cross anymore.

That way i have a boundary.

I have a safe fense around me.

that way i can set myself in that boundary and never risk anything.

never leave.

have my rules and my box. and my comfort.

because i don't know if i will really be loved if i go outside of my fense.

I don't know if i will still be loved if i am bold and if i risk.

because if i am not bold and don't risk, i will keep everything comfortable.

But i won't be happy.

I'm not happy.

I am an addict.

I am a smoker

i have not had a cigarette in 30 days if i make it through tomorrow.

but then i just smoked hukah tonight, and i can't wait to smoke a cigarette.

seriously

I am already dreaming of my next one.

why, because i want to know i quit for myself and not for others.

because i feel like i quit for others and not myself. because i want people to think i am a good Christian.

Because i want people to think i am an incredible person.

because i want to be able to wear the mask that says "I am strong".

I am not strong.

I am weak, and i am in pain.

I cry from it.

I am a man.

I cry.

I hurt.

I am not confident.

I do not trust God

I do not trust people

and i do not even trust myself.

I am alone.

I am afraid.

I smoke because it helps me relax for 3 mins.

sometimes,

other times it does nothing.

and other times it,

well honestly it makes things worse,

but for some reason i think that next one,

will give me the same buzz i use to get back in the day.

It felt amazing.

I was like utopia.

zen.

instant.

gratifying

for that moment.

It was also fake,

short

never fully satisfying.

but honestly i could relax for a short time,

and think clearly?

kind of.

sometimes.

I lust too.

because then i have control over my thoughts.

when i lust i don't have to worry about rejection.

my thoughts are under my remote control.

That's the "virgin" mask i wear though though.

I think a lot of guys might wear that one....well probably less and less, but still i am no better then any of them that can't put on the vergin mask.

sure i never had real sex,

but i think about it just as much.

I want it to be real.

I dwell on it.

But

i am scared to open myself up to someone in a relationship that could lead to marriage.

because then i need to trust that someone might really love me.

Then i need to open up about who i am to someone.

it scares the hell out of me.

because then i need to open myself up to rejection.

Pain.

hurting.

tears.

but my fear keeps me from even realizing that in that kind of relationship there might actually be more:

joy,

comfort,

love,

peace,

harmony,

grace,

forgiveness,

beauty,

creation,

excitement.

There really might be.

Someone might really love me.

not just as a friend, because it is easy to love friends, there is no commitment.

there is no being trapped.

There is no need to love sacrificially.

we can when it is convenient,

but if its too hard we just say we are too busy.

but if that's it, then we never know real love.

we never really put ourselves out there for the possibility of experience love close to what Jesus has for his church.

intimacy that is pure.

becoming one with another and only with that other.

the truth is

i am not whole by myself yet.

obviously if you could not tell from reading everything i just wrote.

I am broken into so many peaces.

I am hurting.

I feel the brokenness inside of me.

i feel it tingle in my fingers.

I feel it sit on my heart.

i feel it every time i try to take a breath that just never seems to be deep enough.

I want to be whole.

I want to be redeemed.

i want the cracks to be mended.

I want to be soaked in water so that i can be reformed and reshaped.

I want to be whole.

I want to trust,

I want to trust God

more then anything

I want to trust God.

I want to know that He really loves me.

personally.

that although i am not good enough and fail miserably,

I am still loved by God.

I want to be able to trust that.

stand in that.

live in that

breath in that.

love in that.

learn in that.

be who i am and was created to be in that.

I want that to make me whole.

i want that to mend me.

Jesus i am sorry i don't always believe this.

Jesus help me to believe this.

Jesus, help me to know love,

help me to know joy,

help me to know peace.

Jesus help.

Jesus help me to know it so far inside of myself that i can give it to others.

Help me to believe it so i can quit focusing on me, and focus on others.

and love others.

Jesus help.