A better follower

I want to be a better Christian.

I don't want to only be a good christian around other people who are good Christians.

I was walking downtown yesterday and got a text from one of my high school students whose grandma was going into the hospital with a serious condition and He asked me to pray for his grandma. I wanted to stop right there and pray with the friend i was walking with, but i also did not want to be that kind of christian that would only do that when i was walking with a friend and who in another case would just continue through-out the day with out really giving much consideration to actually praying about my students grandma. about an hour later as we were still walking downtown i told my friend about my student and asked if we could stop and pray.

I felt fake, maybe i did not feel fake, but i felt like i was looking better then what i am. I was seriously concerned with my students family and for his grandma, but I want to know that I am just as good of a person when no one is around (which i am not) then when anyone is near me.

I got a text last night at 1:00ish...the grandma had past away. It sucked. He asked me to pray for his family as they go through this rough time. I thought about him and his family, continued to stay online, closed my computer and went to bed. I sound like a cheap piece of shit. I did pray for his family a little bit, but not as passionately as i might have if i was with him or around other people.

I don't want to keep being that person. I don't want to keep living two-faced, with my sin off around people and sin on when no one is paying attention. I think lately i have been learning to be more honest about who i am with people in the moment. I decided that i would swear if i felt like it, not always but every once in a while. I had a pastor tell me at one point in my life that i was immature because i would sensor my speech or conduct around certain people. he told me it was alright to joke around some people and inappropriate around others. I felt like that was bull shit. Its ok to be crude, or swear when you know someone, but if some one does not know you, you should put on a clean face and appearance around them. Isn't that being deceitful? Isn't that not being who you are and not allowing genuine relationship to form. I feel like if someone could not handle the words hell, damn, shit or fuck, there is no way they would be alright reading the bible.

I decided i would not hide the fact that i smoked, but then decided to quit smoking, but i feel like i did it more because i cared what people thought when i was honest about the fact that i smoked.... I cared about that even more so then my mental heath or my physical health. It makes me want to smoke again, just so prove to myself that i am not doing it for those reasons, but then I remember the way it makes me feel and the struggle i have in my head when i do smoke about it being right or wrong and feeling like a failure for giving into addiction.

Can i be honest, I am a failure. I do suck at life, and i do struggle. I struggle to follow Jesus where he wants me to go. I struggle to love people that never show me love or that are not cool with me. I struggle to not sin, lust, be prideful, greedy, slothful or gluttonous. I am selfish, and i can be arrogant. I don't protect my heart, and I don't protects others hearts. I do things that are wrong because i want the quick feeling of gratification and i don't want it to be delayed. I struggle with anxiety because i want things to be perfect and i want them to be in my control. Everything. I want to only work when i feel like it (hence i am writing this right now at work), and i want to control people so that they respond to me in the way i want them to so i can be satisfied inside with the way they respond to my so called love for them. If i say something passion filled to a girl i want to hear a similar response back, and when i don't get that, i get anxious about it because i want to know that i can be loved too. That i am good enough for them too. I want to know that i am not going to be alone all of my life. I want to know that inside my heart i can truly be loved. I want to learn how to accept that because i have not, and don't know how. I don't seek my love from God. I don't seek my identity through Jesus, and i don't let the Holy Spirit come into the places of my heart that needs him the most. I build walls and i put locks on the doors. Instead i try and seek my love through fantasy, or through girls. I find my identity through what others say or think, or what i think they are saying or thinking about me. And i let those words and my own, mostly negative thoughts and Satan continue to screw up my heart and twist my soul and distort the beautiful creation that Jesus has made me and trying to redeem me to be.

I want to be whole in Christ regardless of what people would say about me or think about me. I want to accept that i am loved regardless of my flaws. I want to be able to be honest about my sin with myself and God and my close friends so that i can be redeemed and let God into those locked doors to clean out my heart. I want to stop putting my faith in fantasy and desire for intimacy. I want to have confidence in my identity in Christ Jesus. and not struggle so much to trust him and have faith in him. I want to be a better christian.