i have generalized anxiety disorder.

its kind of weird, i am slightly OCD.

I am also overly fearful of rejection.

because of this, i tend not to stay in my canoe.

in another term, i let other people name me.

in another term i try to find my identity through other people.

i find it through a girl i crush on.

through a friend i wish i could be more like,

through a mentor who i want to be like when i grow up.

and yes, i have not fully grown up yet, and i am pretty much ok with it.

So why do i write this all down. 

because tonight during counciling 

my councilor made some points that really struck me.

I always feel like i missed something developementally. 

I found it out tonight talking with my  counselor.

i never learned how to be ok with being in my own canoe.

I never allowed myself to have confidance in myself, or in God just being me.

I am only ok when other people told me what a good person i am, 

Or if they respond to me the when and how i want them to, to show me i am good enough

and when someone i care about tells me i am not ok or in my eyes shows me that i am not ok.

i am devistated. full of anxiety.

entirely obsesed with making the other person ok with who i am .

All this to say, i need to learn how to stay in my own canoe.

and not jump into other peoples canoes.

I need to learn how to wait until someone wants me to pull my canoe aside to theirs and continue with them with out leaving my canoe. 

I need to let Jesus be the center of my canoe and the prop for stearing my canoe.

I need to understand grace. I need to understand that I am me, with all my flaws, corks, and amazingly enough good qualities with bad ones too. but i am me, and i should not have to apologize for that. I need to realize that i can change certain things or allow my self to be changed for the better, but it needs to be choices for myself and not for others. 

stay in my canoe, thats what i need to do. i think it would be good for all others to do the same.