sometimes i feel like i have so much packed inside my chest that i need to get out. Then i sit here and start typing and i feel like there is nothing important to say. I want the attention of Donald Miller for being able to write such a compelling story about Christianity that all indie/subculture Protestant Christians will want to pick it up and read it because they think it speaks to their lives so much. Or be able to write songs like Derek Webb because i want to speak some theological truth into someones life through music, or at least have the conviction to speak out against the crap that our christian culture says we need to follow.



I love Donald Miller and I love Derek Webb, i am so jealous of their abilities to speak the truth of God, of Jesus into our lives. I am an indie christian, and they are some of my favorite people to listen to. I hope that I don't misconstrue my opinion about them. I think the bigger issue, is that i want to really know and understand this Jesus that they speak about. I hear about joy, i hear about peace. I hear about love, compassion, faith, and all these things. I wish i knew more about them. I know pain, i know fear, i know rejection. I know that my life is a lot better then so many peoples in the world. I also know that i have chemical imbalance inside of me that makes my fear, my anxieties, and my low times, a lot harder to deal with then what others might.



Jesus i want to know you. I want to understand were my life is going, and when i will feel a sense of normalcy in my life. I want to be in control. Jesus i think that is my problem. I want control in areas of my life that i have no control. or i am too afraid to take control of the things that are in front of me, a fear of failure. Jesus allow me to give up my pride and my desire to be in control. Help me to replace it with faith. Not just words or an inner peace about life, but real faith and confidence that you are going to make all things right. That you will truly bring redemption into my twisted thoughts and broken heart. That my mind would be pure, and my heart would love out of being loved, not love out of seeking love back.

I think Hebrews 4:15 is one of the greatest verses for me to take in because it makes me confront the fact that I am loved regardless of my sin. That my sin really does not seperate me from God. God is still there as i sin telling me he wants better for me, telling me that he understands the reasons of my rebellion he has felt them with with his entire being, so he understands me. That there is no thought or feeling i could ever have that he did not have at one point. There is not one temptation that anyone has ever struggled with that he did not struggle with himself. He was a man aquinted with sorrow, abandoned, greif stricken, alone, by himself, feeling as though he had no one that could possible understand for him to talk with face to face. I have been there. and the truth is that is a lie i allow myself to believe, the truth for him was that it was the truth. Yet he chose to love, for the sake of loving, and to forgive for the sake of love, and give grace for the sake of redemption. To give his own life so that i could live. I hate how i can want to know that in my heart so bad, and feel these slight glimpses of it, but not fully embrace it. I wish my chest could open up and consume it, and not struggle to have faith, or struggle to believe the truth of it.