What is our Gospel

Christianity is not about sin.

it is not about trying to make ourselves better and working as hard as we can to earn our salvation.

It is about Jesus,

and what God did through him,

in his life,

death,

ressurection

and assension.

It is about the freedom

from worry,

anxiety,

sin,

mistakes,

and regrets we have and have made and will make, because of our wonderful savior.

If we are not free,

If we do not have:

joy,

peace,

grace,

hope

and most of all

love;

but instead

frustration,

depression,

anxiety,

dispare

and fear

based on our faith,

we have bad theology and should never want to speak or spread that gospel to anyone.


I tried for so long to earn my salvation

I tried so long to make myself better

but my focus was not on Christ

My focus was to move up the corporate latter of the church.

My focus was to make others

like me,

love me,

and look at me.

I would preach love, but not feel loved

I would preach grace, but hide my sin

I would preach hope, but not know it

I would preach peace, but never have it.

I would preach faith, but would have immense doubt.

I would preach joy, but would feel competley depressed.

In the words of Derek Webb

"The Gospel has not failed us, We just fail to believe it."

You are loved Imperfect, sinful, vulgar, wrong, and twisted you may be But You are loved.

You are forgiven,

You have hope to be made right,

You have hope in the grace and love of God through Christ.

It is not about what you do, it is about what He has already done.

Be real!

Be who you are!

Bring that to church.

Bring that to Jesus.

Take off the mask of "i have it all together"

Take off the mask of "i can do it on my own"

Because you don't, and you can't.

Quit Judging other people And realize,

if you are a Christian, that you are in the same boat as those who are not.

And if you are not a Christian,

that hope, love, joy, peace, and grace, are yours for the taking.

We have a mighty big and Glorious savior.

but we only will realize it if we understand

our mighty big and vulgar sin.

I am an adulterer, i judge others, i am vain, i murder others with my thoughts, i am impatient, i use people to get what i want, i minipulate, I smoke cigarettes because it is a crutch, i get drunk to forget about things and try and have a good time. I pop pills to make me feel ok. I lust after girls becuase i don't trust that God will provide. I waste money on myself to make me look like i have it all together even though my finaces are a wreck. I say that i am generous, but most of my money goes to either filling a void in my heart, giving me security, or filling my stomach. I hold grudges. If someone hurts me, even though outwardly i say i forgive them, i really want them to hurt as bad as i do which causes bitterness. I am strait, I do cancer research, i love other people. i am a people pleaser, i am a guitar player, i am a writer, i am a poet, i am a skiier, I am a fast driver, I am a lover and a frigher, I am an arminienist, i am non-denominational, i am a reader, i am an extrovert, i am a son, a brother, a cousin, a nephew, a data manager, a soccer player and on and on and on.

The most important though,

and the only ture identity i can seek,

is that i am loved, deeply loved, by Jesus Christ,

who is my savior,

my redeemer,

and my God.

"Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name, under heaven, given to men, by which we must be saved." - Acts 4:12

Be who you are, Seek the Lord, and let him change you.

Asking why

I think sometimes it helps to know the reason why. When i started working my first job was at Papa's Pizza in Bolingbrook, Illinois. It was a few blocks from where I lived and I had wanted to work there since I was a little boy. I remember shortly after getting hired the owners wife, who was really like the manager would walk around and tell me all these things that was part of my job. One of the first things she said was "if i tell you something, always ask me why?" I said "ok" and she yelled at me and told me that i needed to ask her why i should always ask her why. Fair enough, so I asked her "Why?" and she responded, "because if you ask me why, you won't forget the reason you are doing something."

I thought that was really good logic. Always ask why? I think the truth is, it doesn't make things easier to do or deal with, but it shed light on the understanding so you have your reason. I think everyone has heard the story of the family who for generations when ever they cooked a ham, would cut off both ends before they cooked it. At one point the daughter walks up to the mother and says, mom why do we cut off the ends and throw them away. The mom, responds, that it was how her mother always cooked a ham, and the daughter goes up to her grandma and says, grandma, why does our family always cut the ends off the ham and throw them away before we cook the ham. The grandmother responds, well because thats how my mom always cooked it. The daughter finally goes up to her great grandmother and says, "Grandma, i don't understand, my mom, grandma and you have always cut the ends off the ham before we cooked. Why do we do this?" the great grandmother looks at the daughter and responds, "honey, i have no idea why your mother and her mother do that. The only reason i did it was because i didn't have a pan big enough to fit the whole ham."

How many of us do this with our feelings. When something happens we feel a certain way. but we never ask why. We never seek to find the truth behind why we feel the way we do in certain situations. I was recently talking with a friend, she is dating a guy that has two kids. One of the kids is 12 and the other 14. She told me that it is really interesting to see how the kids interact with their dad. One of the sons always has really dry hands, and is really independent. So she was shocked that every night, he would go up to the dad and ask the dad to rub lotion on his hands. It didn't make sense to her. I talked with her more and found out that the kids come from a divorced family. Turbulance right? Anyways, i thought back to when i was younger. I always had a great relationship with my dad, he was my stability in life. My dad always showed me affection and was there for me. We got along really easily so it was easy for me to hug him and accept a kiss on my cheek, even to this day, i am a grown man, and there is still that some comfort i felt when i was a little boy when my dad hugs me, and gives me a kiss on the cheek.

My brother and my dad on the other had had a very hard relationship growing up. My parents devorced when he was nine, and i was 8. He lived with my dad, but he and my brother just never got along. My brother was pretty introverted. The complete oposite of my dad. And he and my dad also had firey temerments. They consistantly butted heads. The strange part was that even through junior high, my brother would ask my dad to come and tuck him in at night and stay with him in his room till he went asleep. I think in both of these circumstances, its easy to see this and not ask why. I think it is easy for my brother to not know why he needed my dad there to do that, or for the kid to not know why he needs that comfort. Its easy for me to just feel anxiety and not understand why i feel that way. And then we all end up labling people because no one took the time to ask anyone why. Not that knowing why will immediatly change the habit or the feelings, but it allows us to understand and respond better.

For me, there is this underlying fear of being left. because when i was young, it what i knew about love, people would leave. They would hurt each other yell, scream, throw things, and then leave, with out certain return. My brother, he was afraid of my dad not loving him. so knowing my dad wasnt going to leave made him know he was loved. We might not ever understand these things or talk about these things, and then as we get older, we form habits based on the our experiances as children. I use to think it was annoying to hear people talk like this, but the more i think about, the more i realize how much truth there is to it. Think of how many turbulant relationships there are that children grow up with. Think about the number of people that don't marry anymore compared to earlier generations. Think about the divorce rate and how it has sky rocketed. Its because Love, what we see of it, and hear of it in real life, is turbulant, so it scares us. We don't know love with out fighting. We don't see love with out frustration and pain, and hurting, and in a lot of cases, about 50%, abandonment. If we grow up seeing this, if we grow up knowing this, why would anyone want to find what we know of as "love"?

We have been trained by everyone, that fighting is normal. That yelling is just part of the relationship, that heartbreak and suffering, and pain, its all inclusive in love. And if we experiance anything to the contrary, we don't trust it. It scares us, because we are addicted to the abuse. Good cause for anxiety, i think so. So how do we change this? We ask why? and we realize that we don't want people to go through what we went through. We show ourselves, that if by chance we are lucky enough and blessed enough to have children, we teach them diffrent from what we have known, and learn to seperate the "love" we grow up with, the love I grew up with, from the love that is true,

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

True love, real love, never fails.

Nothing good from me

Have you ever realized how hard your heart can be to something God really wants you to understand? Its hard for me to realize that i cannot do anything good. I don't like thinking that. I don't like that i can't take credit for the good things I do. I don't like that in all my honesty, in all my good deeds, in all my visually selfless acts, that i cannot take credit for it. The reason I can't is because if i do something good, more often then not it is because my heart has the wrong motive. I want people to see me and think that i am a good person. I want people to love that i "love" others so much. I want people to think i am the best person they have ever met. I want to look good. But the truth is I am not good. My heart is self serving. My acts are not pure. My good deeds are tainted by my own desire to be loved, not to give love.



I know this is true, because when I show love and do good deeds, i get frustrated when i don't recieve back. I get frustrated, that people don't give to me all that i give to others. My love is not pure, it is twisted and tainted because i am self serving.



The truth is that i want love. I want to know love and be loved, and i want to give love unselfishly. The problem is, I don't accept love from the one who i need to accept the love from. Jesus. I need to accept your love. I need to accept your grace. I need to care what you think. If i truely understood God's love for me. If i really understood the extent to his grace and his love, my life and my heart would not be what they are. If i really believed in what i say i believe in and accepted it I would be so much more radical in my faith. I would be so much more pure in my deeds, because i would love to the extent to which i know i have been loved. I would feel so secure in the love that i have in Christ.

1 John (the epistle, not the Gospel), says so frequently that if we know God we won't sin. If you don't believe me read it. It is kind of scary for me to read that, becuase it shows me so frequently that i do not actually love God....well at least not how he loves me. My friend was talking to me and he told me that marrage is like yellow and orange starbursts. I hope i come to love someone like that in my life, even more i hope i come to love God like that and have that kind of relationship with him where he knows i will take the yellow and orange starbursts in order to give him the Glory, because he has done that for me. If they made a purple starburst (grape...yuck!) that wouldn't even be comparable to God's love.

So some of you might be thinking to yourselves what is all this starburst talk. I'm not going to explain. It just makes sense to me and small group of others, but if you contemplate hard enough you might get it.

I was in a small group last week and we were talking about relationship. I think so many of us Christians, myself included look at a passage like First John and think to ourselves "crap if i still sin im going to hell! because it means i'm not really a christian. It means i don't really beleive, have faith in or love God the way first john talks about." That's what scared me so much about that book, but then last week i realized something. That book is about our relationship with God. Its not about in or our, its about closeness. Its about our hearts belief and acceptance of Gods love. I am not married. but this is something i have seen in marrages that i have seen. If a wife truely loves her husband, and shows that love time after time, continually proving that love, and then asks the husband to sacrifice for her, garuntee the husband who knows his wife and deeply loves her back would be more then willing to do make that sacrifice, he might even go further and decided to take the yellow and orange starbursts so his wife can have the red and pink ones. (get it now?)

So this is my struggle. I need to learn to accept God's love. I need to open my heart to him, to truely know and accept his grace. Because if i do that, my movites will change. I won't do things to look good anymore, i won't be waiting to feel and accept love from others. I will be filled, and start loving others the way he calls me to, because i will know, truely know what he has done for me.

Finding my way home.

let me tell you a story
about a boy who was fully broken
and every breath seemed so hard to take
when everybody saw him
they knew that he had fallen
that something there was eating him away

As he washed away
there was nothing he could say
he was robbed of all the hope he had
his mother and his father saw that he was shattered
but there words could not break through his chains
It took some time before his hope came


I'm finding my way home
from where i'm cold and alone
when the fog is clear and my last tear has fallen
when i can take a breath
an know its not the last
when storm is calm and my wounds are healing
it won't be long before i hear you calling
im finding my way home


Can i tell you a secret
about what that boy needed
He needed a community of grace
although it wasnt easy
he needed to believe in
a deeper love that break through is chains.

And when it felt to far away
he would try to ignore the pain
but the wounded have a limp for a reason
he just wanted hope to believe in
and soon enough it came his way


I'm finding my way home
from where i'm cold and alone
when the fog is clear and my last tear has fallen
when i can take a breath
an know its not the last
when storm is calm and my wounds are healing
it won't be long before i hear you calling
im finding my way home

I was driving in my car
screaming out from my heart
that i needed help
i needed a way out
And i heard your voice so loud
telling me to calm
telling me that you would bring home
That i'm not alone and you are always there
so now im finding my way home today

name

So tall and so slim
sipping alcohol from the brim
Tired but alive, trying to survive
Another day on the street
with clouded bloodshot eyes.

hands are clammy cold and dirty
As he reaches down to take a sip from his fourty
Shakes his cup, looks no one in the eyes
he is too embaressed, but it is no suprise.

He once had a house, cars, and wife
he only wonders what happened to that life.
so cold and alone, no one left to blame
he pick up the needle to releive the pain.

People walk by and call him names
stupid, dispicable, disgusting and lame.
Go get a job you stupid creep
forgetting it is jesus they are leaving on the street.

he lies in his bag every night
remembering the day they rapped and shot his wife.
remembering the rage he felt inside.
remembering the rapist and ending his life.

14 years later, he's tried to find a job
find some money to rebuild his life.
but no one will hire an addict much less
a criminal with murder on his chest.

he made a choice, in a passionate rage
we sit here and judge him
because we are all afraid
That maybe one day we will be the same.

He needs help to see past his situation
he needs someone to help his concentration
He needs a hand to help pull him up
he needs to know grace, love, and touch.

He needs some one to ask him his name
To show him he has purpose
and help deliver him from pain.

One Year Ago

One year ago I was a wreck. It was difficult to hang out with people i did not know, it was hard for me to ever relax and i distinctly remember talking with a couple friends about how I had forgotten to feel happy.

One year ago I was filled with anxiety. I could not walk down the street with out having an anxiety attack. I would not watch tv without having intrusive thoughts that would swing my anxiety through the roof and turn me down into a deep deppression.

One year ago music was hard to listen to. Praying was even more difficult. I loved Jesus but did not know how to follow him because i felt like he hated me, and that i had done something horribly horribly wrong that i could never be forgiven for.

One year ago i thought about killing myself. My insecurities about myself were at the point where i did not think it was worth me to live. I did not think that anyone really loved me, or that my life mattered in any way.

One year ago i felt so stuck inside my mind filled with evil feelings and evil thoughts that i did not know how to let go.

One year ago, i hurt people by writing things on this blog, by letting my insecurities get the best of me, and by not knowing that my value and my identity was found in Christ alone.

One year ago I was lost.

Today, i have been found.

today, i know that my idenity is in Christ.

today i still struggle, but i know that Christ is alive in me and he is leading me and helping me to surrender.

today, i can breath.

today i can watch tv, meet new people, listen to music, hang out with friends, and know that there is nothing wrong.

today i am one step closer to Jesus, and he is pulling me in closer each day.

Today I know that it is not my obligation to tell people about everything i struggle with just to know that they won't leave me, hurt me or reject me latter on down the road.

Today I have fewer chains, today i have fewer walls, and fewer anxieties about my future, about what i am doing and why i am here.

today i know that it is ok to love people and not expect anything back.

Today, i know that my identity is hidden in Christ, and that all the baggage and crap that i was carrying one year ago has been lifted away.

today i am thankful for everything and everyone in my life, because God has blessed me so much by giving me people to pull me through.

today i am thankful, and have joy because of Christ.

Steven

I've done homeless minstry for years. You know, stand behind a table and scoop out some patatoes and slap them on the plate of a man who looks like he was drug through the dirt by a pick up truck. His eyes saggy and red. The smell of cheap whiskey or vodka in his breath, not to mention the oder of not having bathed for a few day while wearing the same cloths.



I've done homeless ministry before. I have walked around the streets trying to pass out stale bread and pastries to groups of people huddled in a court yard. Ungreatful to find that there is nothing in the bag they would eat. To be honest there was nothing in the bag i would have eaten. To be even more honest, they weren't begging for food either. I just thought they needed it, not knowing they all could get around 5 meals a day going to any mission or just by hustling each day.



I've done homeless minsitry before. I would take bags of worn out cloths down dark allies at night and give people an extra shirt or coat they could put on to keep them warm. Funny it was rare to ask their name. Or even shake their hand. What if i would get sick? What disease could they give me? What would i do if they had gone to the bathroom multiple times an hadn't washed their hands, thats just sick! Where is my hand sanitizer when i need it.



I've done homeless ministry before. I have walked down the street in the middle of winter with my nice warm coat on as a man wearing a long sleve shirt walked up and asked if we had a coat we could give him. We all stared at each other and said no, then we prayed for him. I felt good about that. I walked home got to my room and hung my nice warm coat up next to the 3 other nice warm coats i had in my closet. Oh yeah.....i thought about those when i prayed for that guy, but it was cold out and i needed to walk two more miles to get home. I needed my coat.....



What would it look like if i stopped doing homeless ministry and started to be apart of a homeless community? What if i could not even use the word homeless anymore to describe a person in the community because they were my friend? What if i stopped trying to bring my friends stale bread because i knew them so well that they would use it more as a toy to throw around then a sourse of nutrition? What if? What if i no longer worried about food, but focused on the season because of the change of needs that my friends have each season. Like hand warmers, or socks, or shoes or scarfs. What if everytime i saw one of my friend, regardless of look or smell, I would give them a hug, look them in the eye say their name and tell them i loved them. Not just to make them feel good, but because i actually felt like they were part of my own community, my own family. what if they new me so well that they could tell me about who they are. That they could cry infront of me even though they have not cried in over a year, and they would dare not cry infront of another man? What if i knew their names, Shawn-foots, Larry-Solomon, Chuck...well he's just Chuck, same as Stephen, Neil, Chris, Chris, Chris, Dan, Kim, Kim, Earnst, Melvin, Ron, and the list goes on? What if they knew me so well that they called me as their own. That they looked at me and thought of me more for who i was then just that guy that comes down ever week or so to pass something out. What if, they would all get together and wait in the same spot ever week, for me to get there because they knew they had a friend coming who they could talk to and share life with and joke around with and hang out with. What if i looked so forward to that day that i would not do anything else but make it down to that spot at the same time every week...maybe even every day. What if i felt i needed them in my life just as much as i thought they needed me? What if i knew i would not be the same with out them?

About 10 months ago, i started to do "homeless ministry" again. I started to go down town with a group of friends, thinking I would be doing the same things i was use to. Passing out coffee, cloths, prayers, and so on. What i didn't realize 10 months ago, that soon these people who i took pity on, who i thought i was better off then, would become my friends. They would become the people i would share my life with. The guys that i would joke around with, smoke cigarettes with, laugh with and cry with. The guys that would teach me about life, from a perspective I never could have imagined. These are the guys that taught me more about the love and grace of Christ then any sermon i had ever heard or any friend i had ever had.

It started with Stephen. He was drunker then drunk the first time i met him. He had a little to much juice that day, as he might say. I did not like him. I thought he was scatchy as hell the first time i met him. he was loud, inappropriate, and sarcastic. We were having a pizza party for thanksgiving. He walked in and hugged one of my friends, and this was not a pleasnt hug for the girl. She bassically had to push herself away from him. At some point in the night i decided to get over my own pride and disgust and go talk with him. He soon became a little more sober and started to talk for real. Still loud at times and still very inappropriate, he started to tell us about his family. He spoke of his father with a lot of pride. He said if he could be half the man of his father he would be in a much better place. He also talked about the abuse he went through with his father. He talked about how his dad would beat him, and how his mother ironically would beat the crap out of his dad. My disgust and pride turned to love and care for stephen that night.

Over the next few weeks stephen and i became very close. He would see our group at the train station and shy away seeing if we would notice him or not. Everytime, we would see him, and call him over to us, or walk over to him. for those first few weeks i don't think i ever saw him with out a bottle half empty and the smell of liquer on his breath. I don't think i ever saw him sober. But there was something about this guy. I remember one day he pulled me aside and started to tell me about his family again. He would have tears in his eyes because of how much pain he had inside and how much he missed them. I don't think he ever talked to anyone else about his family as much as he did me. Usually it was always the same story. the same story he told at the thanksgiving pizza dinner. Exept it slowly changed from how much he loved his father to how much he hated him. He was hurting, and I was the person he could tell that too. I was the one he could cry infront of. i was the one who he could share his pain with.

He would always stop at some point and take a drink from his bottle, afterwards he would ask permission, or let me and who ever else was around know that it was who he was and that we needed to be able to accept that. For the longest time I would let him know that his drinking would not make us leave. I would tell him that we would be there for him whether he was drunk or not. I would tell him that we loved him anyways. I soon realized that I needed to add something to that. I started telling him that we would love him anyways, but that we wanted better for him. For about the next five weeks or so we would have this same conversation about his drinking. We would pray for him, and he would pray for us. I would pray with him and he would pray for me. I would pray for him and he would cry. I would give him a hug and let him know that i loved him. He would say he loved me too. He would tell me how thankful he was for the community that would be there every week. He would tell me how much we meant and that we were his family.

Something started to change with Stephen after a while. We would see him and he would be sober, a week later he would drunk again, then for two weeks he would show up sober, then he would be drunk again. Then i started sharing my desire to stop smoking with him, and he started sharing his desire to stop drinking. He said to me at one point that if he was still a drunk after us hanging out with us for a year that he didn't want us to hang out with him any more. I told him that that would not happen. I told him we would be there everyweek for him regardless of where he was at.

Stephen had a cell phone and soon gave me the number. I would call him everyonce in a while and plan times to meet with him after i got off work. We would go to mcdonalds and get some food and just talk about life. One day my friend cole and I met with him at his church. Afterwards we walked to a reasturant and got some breakfast. He told me that he wanted to try and be sober for one month. I was honestly hoping he would say one week. My mouth about hit the floor. One month! that was huge. So for the next few weeks we would call and talk, i would tell him if i stumbled with smoking and he would tell me about being sober. I remember one day i had a cigarette. I called Stephen to see how he was doing and told him i had had a cigarette, he was honest with me and told me he had a beer a few nights before with a couple friends.

Stephen would call me so often during the winter when he would not be able to making out to the train station during the winter. He would call me and ask if we were there and just let me know he was not going to make it, I would ask how the drinking was going, and he would let me know. For a long period of time he would not show up on sundays. Which was always sad for me, but it was always great when he did. One day he was there and wanted to sing, because he loved singing. It was his passion. He would always sing. So one day he wanted to sing amazing grace. It was the most soulfilled song i have ever heard steven sing. He was drunk, but man, he meant every word he sang.

Something that most people would not realize about Stephen is that he is a Christian. The diffrences between Stephen and me, his brokenness is visiable, mine is hidden. His sin is visible, mine is hidden. His ability to function with his brokenness and sin was not there, but let me be blunt, that in no way made him less of a Christ follower then me. I learned more about Grace from stephen then any other person on this planet. I learned that God does not walk away from us because we sin, but sits by us and tells us that he loves us and wants better and that he won't walk away from us. I learned that God is always waiting for us to show up, but we might choose not to go to him. I am in no way saying that I am like God. It took someone to point out to me that my love for stephen was like the love that God has for me and all his creation.

It has been some time since i have seen Stephen. I was out of town for a few weeks and he loses his phone about every other week. So i was not able to connect with him. But one week while i was out of town my phone rang. Stephen was on the other end. He asked if we were going to be downtown and where we would be. I was in seattle so i told him i would not be around. He said he really needed to connect with some people. I got his number called my friend and had them contact him. He was able to go meet with them. I was stoked. I had tried calling stephen many times after that. It had been over a month since i had seen him or heard from him. His phone had been disconnected. After that i heard from a friend that stephen had started going to rehab and hated sobriety, but was trying hard to stick with it. A couple weeks after hearing this I was downtown again with our community and my phone rang. Stephen was on the other line. He told me he was in Cincinati. I asked him what he was doing there, he replied that he had no idea, but that he was comming back soon. He just called to say hi and see how things were going. It was a great phone call. It was a blessing to me.

Never in my life would i think that a 50+ homeless black man would be my friend. Never would i have imagined that this man would have taught me more about Jesus, grace, and honesty. His brokenness is out in the open and it is a blessing to him because he knows he is loved for who he is, and not a mask he tries to wear. He knows that we know him, he knows that we care about him and love him. I have to ask myself how much to i know that I am loved. How much do i know that people really know me? How often do i allow people to really know me? If i walk around acting like i have it all together, like there is no pain or brokenness in me can people really know who i am, or do they just like the mask that i wear? I know Jesus loves Stephen. I know that he wants so much more for him, but i know that he still loves him right now whether drunk or sober, dirty or clean, right where he is at. I know that Stephen loves Jesus and is more greatful for his grace then i think i might ever be. I know this because Stephen has come to a place where he cannot hide his brokenness. He can't fake it, he can't pretend its not there. But he knows God's love and grace still surround him and guide him. He is homeless, he is an alchololic, he is mentally damaged, and physically in pain, but more then any of those titles which we might put first on him, Stephen is a Christian, and he is a brother that i am so incredibly thankful to have in my life.

Don't let this smile decieve you
It only a mask i wear
when i want to pretend
that everything is alright

Inside i know
you can see right through me
but you'll never use me
and never let me know

your might try to take it off
genlty and slow
don't try to fast
cuz i might crack
my mind my blow
look into my eyes and you will know

gently you touch me
your skin is silk
your moving slow
but i am scared to let go
this mask im wearing
its been on so long
the glue is thick
so be gental now
cuz i might get sick.

as nerves unwind
im spinning in the room
sitting still
hopeing i might get to see you
with my own two eyes
with tears inside
as you start to reveal
who i really am
and it becomes clear
the wounds so deep
with scars all around

just run along

sarcastic sly words

scared of being coerced

but thats not the reason

just to see you smile

would be enough



with beautiful eyes

wavey soft brown hair

your soul of fire

and a mind i don't understand



I would never want to hold you back

i would never want to keep you from

the things you know you should never lack

i won't even ask for a chance

because i know it might be to much

so please just relax

you are you and thats all i want from you.



I can understand

that i might not be the right man

I don't mind

just as long as we can be friends

to see your heart expand

from the places you go

to see you look up

God will never let go.

he will never let go

he will never let go

he will never let go

he will never let go



keep moving on

just run along

taking peace in knowing



he will never let go

he will never let go

he will never

let

go

Define

sometime we say we don't mind
when we know there is
something inside thats not right
And all we do is wait....
asking for a change....

So don't try to wait for words
or something that will
exchange the pain for worth
when memories will fade...
seeking is in vain.

you are what you've been made
but broken by the world
that doesn't know your name
listening to all the words they say
and all the things they do
but that can not define you.

taking the time to rewind
remebering
the places that crushed you inside
distortion there was made....
not all your decisons are to blame.

so pick up the peices this time
give them up and
let your self know the reason
that this not the end...
so much more to see my friend....

you are what you've been made
but broken by the world
that doesn't know your name
listening to all the words they say
and all the things they do
but that can not define you.

you've made mistakes you know
fallen short with
choices left dead your soul
but it can all be washed away
though consequences may cause you shame.


you are what you've been made
but broken by the world
that doesn't know your name
listening to all the words they say
and all the things they do
but that can not define you.

the truth is
no mistake
can define you.
only love thats given you.

volintary ignorance

the flash of light breaks through the black plain
stopping all who walk in shame
3 hours later, people start to remeber
every...thing.

With eyes open wide,
they turn them inside.
they ignore anything
they can't explain.

As life screams in vain
they all look away
they don't want to deal
with the pain.

So take a sip
swallow down
all the hatred you have found
let it sink
let it drowned
all you do is run your mouth.
don't fix the problem,
forget where you saw them,

As light sinks into the background.
One more day, passes away,
as the light sinks away,
as they lie and start to pray
they don't know how to fix the pain.
Somewhere out there
the children start their night mare
all over again.

life starts screams in vain
but all they do is look away
they don't want to deal
with the pain.

So take a sip
swallow down
all the hatred you have found
let it sink
let it drowned
all you do is run your mouth.
don't fix the problem,
forget that you saw them,

As light sinks into the background.
As they cry out your name
As they're trapped in this place
Won't you find them find them find them.

God will give you everything you need, make you everything you are to be.

I have had such a mix of feeling over the past couple weeks. I have felt peace and happiness which i havent felt in years. I felt anxiety and depression. I think the thing I need to remember and the thing that is a constant is love. I am blessed beyond belief with the amount of love i have around me. My friends, my family, my church community. I can think of over 20 states where I have friends who love me. I have family spread across the country who love me. More then that I have a God who loves th 8 billion people in the world. He knows each one of them by name, he knows each of them more then they know themselves and he loves them. He has completly providence over the world. Over every situation that happens in the lives of those 8 million people. He cares deeply about them, yet he is more then willing to take time to be my father, and to listen to my prayers and to know what is best for me and guide me to that place. He does not just guide the over arching rules that he gives everyone. It is not and umbrella love. It is a deep and personal love. He knows my struggles, he knows how every second of my life has led me to every thing that i am. The maturity i have in some areas of my life, the insecurities i have, the distored views i have and clarity i have in. He knows the compassion and love i have in my life, and he knows the reasons behind all the anxieties and struggles that i have. and no matter how far i walk away from what he wants for me, he loves me. no matter how much i seclude myself he is there, no matter how much i don't say to those who need to hear what is going on, who really need to hear, He knows, he knows the deapths of all things that are going on. he knows the joys that he is responsible for, the frustration that i have over following him at times. As he looks at me as a father looks at a stuborn child and says with a smile as he laughs and tells me that i will understand when i am older. I need to always remember this, this is the reason for the joy i have with in. Because i have a God who has loved me more then i will ever be loved. Because i have a God that was willing to sacrifice his life for me and is patient with me, and will never leave me or forsake me. Because he wants what is best for me and at all times is willing to allow me to go through pain and frustration and danger to bring me closer to him, and help me understand the love he has for me. This is joy.

little lamb

please don't take the smile from my face
and none could ever trace
the places where heart will go

to hear a voice in my ear
so soft and so clear
little lamb it has been too long.

as joy over takes
my heart stirs as it breaks
with happiness which is much over do.

its your face which i can't wait
and to feel your embrace
reunited so long over due.

to see in your eyes
and hear the voice of suprise
the smell of a embrace
surrounded by grace
as we reunite after such a long time.

sabbath

So i was watching this video the otherday call "everything spiritual" i think that was the name of it. it was by Rob Bell. Amazing teacher. Anyways, he made this comment about being human beings. Not human doing, but human being. It made me think so much about my family. I have a mom who cannot sit still for the life of her, i have a dad who is constatnly working on something to make it better, and a grandfather, who will never stop doing untill the day he dies. I have to wonder if they live thier lives this way because they think their value comes through what they do and not just in being created by their creator. There is a contrast in the bible between what it means to be a human being, and leaving a legacy. I see my dad, my mom and my grandfather as people who want to leave a legacy. But they never take time to enjoy their accoplishments. My step mom told my dad last night "we got a lot done today" and my dad's response...."we didn't do enough." i'm going to brag a little bit. my dad's house is beautiful. his lawn is immaculate, and his ability to fix and land scape is just flat out ridiculous in such a good way. We have a multiple arangements of flowers around the house. we have a zen garden type tree area in our front yard. we have our "wisconsin camp ground" area in the back, along with huge picnak table and hamock. We have a hottube an enormous deck that has chill out area underneath. we have a huge sound system, we also have a bags area that we can light up at night, we have a front yard that fits a full size volleyball court an 8 car driveway, and a place to cook a pig. not to mention the inside which my dad and step mom have completly remodeled on their own. so now we have a beatuiful kitchen down stairs, that has open space design to it. And my dad's words' "we didn't do enough."
My mom, i don't even know where to begin. She has a masters in education, she is going back for a second degree in technology, she is the vp of multiple organizations and started an international film festival for Geneva. She put together with her own brain and two hands an entire television studio for Geneva high school and is being sought after by schools all around the nation to teach for them. She is also know over 50 and seriously considering adopting a child. She doesnt stop. She can't sit still she can't just be.
Both of my parents are leaving legacies. Both of them will be remebered and talked about for generations after they pass. Both of them will be honored for thier lives and what they had accomplished and who they are. I am beyond blessed to have them as parents. What i wish with all of my heart, is that they could rest for one day, look at all they have accomplished and enjoy knowing what God has done through them. oh yeah not to mention they have raised me and my siblings. and to be honest we are some crazy kids, but we all turned out pretty incredible.

Something that this makes me think about though is that, i don't think they nessisarily do everything they do because of the legacy they want to live. I don't think they do it to set a good example, which both occur from it. I honestly think they do it out of love, a little bit, but even more out of fear. That their working gives them value. It gives them worth. and that kind of breaks my heart.....and to be really honest its kind of my tendency to do the same thing. Because their worth and value, my worth and value, have nothing to do with what do or don't do, with what i have done or will do. It is solely based on Jesus and what he did.

look at me, look at me, look what i did. I think thats what i want to say so often deep inside of myself. Look at me i fed the poor. Looked at me i went to china. look at me i am still a vergin. Look at me i read my bible. look at me i pray. look at me i do cancer research and graduated with incredible grades from a really good college. look at me i drive a mini cooper. look at me i have an i phone. look at me i have a stable income. look at me i love people. look at me i lust. look at me i am prideful. look at me i am arrogant. look at me i talk one way and act another. look at me i smoke. look at me i struggle with porn. look at me i objectify people to get what i want from them. look at me i steal. look at me i kill. look at me because i take the humanity away from someone and use them as an object. look at me i'm selfish. look at me. i mean wait.....don't look at the last stuff i just wrote just the first have the really good half and judge me based on that stuff.

Look at God. look at how he has transformed my life over the past year, and yet i have not really stopped to say thank you till today. He loved me so much to not allow me to stay shackled to the crap i was in. He did not allow me to stay in the pit. in the mud, in mire. He pulled me out, even at times when i was kicking and punching because of how afraid i was of where i was at. He pulled me out. he would not let me stay there. Because he loved me. It was my own choices that put me there in the first place, and yet he said, i love you to much to allow you to stay there, not only am i going to pull you out, but all those decisions you made, i am going to take your place and put them on myself. I am going to count your failure as my own. and my faithfulness and grace and love is what will replace your failure. He say "lets trade".

i guess to put it simply no matter how much effort we put forth. no matter how much we do, our worth and value will never come from that. It is only found in Jesus christ and what He did, and being a creature that he loves, and through the work the holy spirit continues to do in us. It is all about him, and not about us.

I beleive

I believe in God the Father, Creator of Heaven and Earth
I believe in Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior
I believe that in him I have all the love and grace i will ever need on this earth
I believe that although in him i have all the love and grace i will ever need, it would be nice to know and accept the love of others.
I believe that God the Father through Jesus Christ sent his spirit to lead me and guide me in my life that i might bring about the kingdom of God here on this Earth.
I believe i need God's grace and love more despreatly then anyone else, because i am the chief of all sinners and there is no a sin i have not committed.
I believe that God is going to lead me through What EVER! pain, suffering, pruning, churing, joyous, redemptive, loving, dangerous circumstances and situations that i need to go through so that i might know him more deeply, love him more deeply, and love the people around me.
I believe that closest i will ever feel to God is when i am in the places with people that other people would consider the closest thing to hell.
I believe that the smell of homelessness is the smell of Jesus.
I believe that sin does not seperate us from God, but that he draws closer to us in it, and yet we continue to keep our backs turned.
I beleive this because when we sin we are putting ourselves at the cross of Jesus.
I beleive that everyone, including myself has addictions.
I beleive that God will use everything and anything to bring us closer to him including our sins and addictions.
I believe that the Church should be the hope of the world, and the resemblence of Christ in the world.
I believe that we should not be here to condemn the world but to save it.
I believe we should carry eachothers burdens and love eachother through struggle, not cast judgement with out love, or love with out truth.
I believe that all people will sin, that everyone will fall short of the glory of God.
I beleive that it is not always our job to tell them they are wrong, but to live a life in front of them showing them what is good.
I beleive we must go to where others are comfortable to love them, and invite them to where we are comfortable to.
I believe that every christian should always be the first to admit their wrongs in front of everyone, before ever telling someone else they are wrong.
I believer that we need to be the most brutally honest people on the planet about our own struggles, and about Jesus' love and Grace.
I believe that when we see addicts we should love them and help them and care for them.
I believe that we should give them clean needles to heroin addicts, so they don't get aids or spread aids.
I believe we should give condoms to prostitutes for the same reason.
I believe that sex education should teach more then abstenace only.
I believe that Christians should work in abotion clinics, not as people who perform the procedure, but as councelors who will be there for the girls before to tell them they have more options and after to let them know they are still loved regardless of their sin.
I believe that anyone who holds up a sign condeming people in the name of Jesus, has been givin a completly false impression of who Jesus is.
I believe that we should preach the Gospel were ever we go and only use words when nessisary.
I believe that it is pointless to argue agaisnt science using the Bible.
I believe that the Bible reaveals to us the truth about God, and about us, and that it is completly infailible.
I believe that the Bible was writen before the enlightenment and therefore should not be held to the standards of historical and scientific methidology that we post enlightenment christians hold it to.
I believe if we hold it to those methods we will lose so much meaning and depth that it offers.
I believe that the only way to heaven is through Jesus Christ.
I believe that all our actions will be brought to judgement.
I believe that Jesus' grace surpaces all of or concieved ideas of what it is, including my own.
I believe that God's plan is always about redemption and reconciliation.
I believe that each day i will grow closer to God
I believe that i need the trinity in my heart.
I believe in the Holy Spirit
I believe in Jesus Christ
I believe in God the Father
I believe

whatever it takes

how much more will i have to take
before i start to break
before your will is what i embrace.

How much more will you push me through
before i know the truth
before i understand you and believe your plan.

what ever it takes
no matter how hard
i will walk the line
i won't change my mind.

What ever it takes
to know your grace
to know your will
to give up my plans
to let you change this man.

all i ask is that you reach out your hand
I don't need to know your plan
with all the hills and shifting sand
give me the strength to trust in you with no mistake.

waiting for you

it seems like its been forever
but i know that it won't be never
because soon enough i'll feel you in my arms.

I might not know you now
you might have been a face in the crowd
but i know that soon enough we will be together

patience is hard to learn
when everything else is quick and easy
waiting for someone to love
can seem like a life time

you will be my diamond in the sky
as i see the diamonds in your eyes
Then our souls will dance together
and they will sing forever

i will be the hand you take
when your scared or when you break
ill be the one who stands
right by your side

and even when we get frustrated
i will never leave you feeling jaded,
i will love you even more
and hold you close to me.
this is what our love will be.

don't even know

im frustrated. God i am frustrated. I feel like everywhere i look i see pain in people, and in myself. I feel like so many people i know right now are just going through hell, and don't know what to do with it. My two people really close to me are falling apart. One of them has some health problems and they can't really do anything about it becuase his work just took away his insurance. The other has some addiction problems and they are facing them, but they are not willing to open up to anyone close to them about it. i have a friend who lives out of state that was just admitted to a psychiatric ward because they have an eating disorder and have been cutting themself. I have a friend that might end up in prison for a few years. I have a few friends who got married in the past 4 years and all their marrages are falling apart because of stupid ass shit, and their spouces won't say a word to anyone about what's going on, and try and keep their other half from talking. I have another friend who is in an abusive relationship and they don't know how to get out of it. They try to justify it and say they need to do hard work to get through it. And the list of crap goes on and on and on and on.

God, seriously, what is going on? Where are you in all of this. Where are you for the people who are in their 20's and are just falling apart. It's so easy for someone to say, give it to God. Or trust God, but seriously where are you? What are you doing. Most of these people are people that love you and are trying to seek you. Their families are falling apart. they are falling apart. They are trapt and can't see a way out. They need you and are in desprate need. Where are you? When does it end? When does your freedome hit us? When does your peace rest on us? when do you save us? when do you put your hand in? What do we need to do? We are tired. We are frustrated, we are sick, we are wounded, broken and filled with anxiety. I feel like Jeremiah. People tell me that anxiety, concern, frustration are bad, they tell me to rest in you and to have peace. Twice jeremiah says "They dress the wound of my people as though it were not serious. 'Peace, peace' they say, but there is no peace!" There is no peace. Our souls are dying. Our mistakes have caught up to us. The world has hit us like a wreaking ball, and we are just suppose to be ok and have peace and surrender to you. Surrender to you, yes always, but how are we suppose to function. How do we follow you when we are so broken? How are we suppose to run after you when are legs are broken? How are we suppose to give up the things we have bound ourselves too, when we lost the key? People would say we are keeping ourselves in the room and all we need to do is open the door. God freaking guide us to it. Pick us up and bring us to it. Show us how, open our eyes, our ears, our hearts. Am i frustrated, yes. I am sick of hurting. I am sick of seeing other people hurt. Am i anxious yes, because my feet are not planted. should they be? i guess so, in you. But when you constantly feel the rug get torn out from under you, and you feel rejection constantly, and you don't understand what it really means to be loved, how do we understand your love. When everything we have known has been twisted and distorted and untrue, how do we really learn to trust. When something is so far outside our understanding of reality, how do we really trust you. How do we really take our hand off the boat and walk on the water. When every person in our life has let us down in one way or another how can we comprehend that you won't. I know you feel it, Jesus i know you feel it. I know you experiance the pain inside your heart. I know you understand it, and you are the only one who can help. You are the only one who can do something about it. You are the only one who can save us, you are the only one who can free us, you are the only one who can bring peace. Jesus bring it. Please God no more, please. Peter says your devine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of you. Jesus save us, save us, save us. bring peace, bring love, bring mercy, bring justice, bring hope. So that our struggles will become small and our joy will become great. God i am frustrated, I deal with anxiety, i struggle, i have sinned so much, and it continues. God just be here. Save me, save my family, save my friends, save my church becuase the enemy is close and he is tearing us apart. Please don't let him. Please don't allow him too. Bind him so he cannot touch us anylonger.

Humility

So i just walked outside to have a cigarrette before starting work. Not something i usually do....the walking outside before I go into work. And Yes for all who read, I know smoking is bad for me. It is not something I am proud of, althought i know it is my pride that keeps me putting those cancer sticks in my mouth. Anyways, as i walked outside, this guy came up and introduced himself. His name is JP. He told me that he was waiting for an angel to come outside and wanted to show me God's glory and how it shines. He said he was out on the streets on parole and was trying to get money for he and his girl to get something to drink. He quickly got on his knee and took out a tin of shoe polish and before I could say anything started to put the polish on my shoes. At this point I knew i could not walk away. It was kind of awkward. Standing in the middle of the side walk, with all these people walking around us. I cannot imagine what it looked like for this white guy to have his foot on the knee of a black man that was polishing his shoe. I flet like i was degrading him just by allowing him to do this. At the same time, i remembered Jesus washing the disciples feet, and how the disciples must have felt. The thoughts going through there heads, and Peter telling Jesus no. He said it because he did not want Jesus to take the position of a servant, becuase he knew who Jesus was.

I just did not know what to think. He was not washing my feet, he was washing my shoes which were by far more dirty then my feet. He did not ask if he could, he just started doing it. It was just outside of anything i have ever experianced. Of course afterwards he asked for money, and then tried to give me $15 in exchange for me to give him $20. I told him I would not do that. And he def. seemed upset about my lack of care for his situation. I know i could have gone to the ATM and gotting him a 20 in exchange for the 15 he had, but I did not think it would be in my best intrest or his for that matter as he already had the smell of Vodka on his breath. But he told me to give him the address of my church so that he could come on sunday. Instead I asked him to meet me at union station on Sunday. He said he would. He told me his full name is Joseph, and asked how he liked my shoes. They looked amazing. He did a great job shining them.

When he had said he wanted to show me how God's glory shines, I think he was intending to show me how shiny my shoes would be when he was done shining them. I think the truth is that it was more through his action of cleaning my shoes in the middle of the side walk, that showed God's glory. I could not quit thinking of Jesus washing the disciples feet. That was Jesus' glory. It said he did this after he knew he had been given everything. It says Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power. He was at that point aware of the extent of his power. He was God, he could do anything, and his choice was to wash feet. To clean what was dirty. Not because they deserved it. Not because he was a slave to them. Not because they asked for it. They did not want it. They did not want the one who was the most powerful to deal with their dirtyness. But he loved them to the extent that he wanted them to be clean. He wanted them to realize that this outward symbol was also to show them the inward reality of what he was going to do the next day. Make the insides of them completly clean. And he was going to take the dirt on himself.

It was weird for me to have this happen. It was weird for me to have someone else shine my shoes, not because i wanted him to, deserved for him to, or asked him to. But because he wanted to. Of course he was looking for money, but he could have also just asked for it. Instead he got on his knee put the polish on my shoes using his bare hands and started to clean. It was weird, it was uncomfortable. It was degrading to him, and i hated that. But i think jesus wanted me to experiance that. Becasue he does the same thing to me inwardly. And I don't always want him to. it is uncomfortable, it is degrading toward him. But i need it. Without it i am left dirty and disgusting not knowing how to clean the stains inside myself, and just making things worse for me. He makes them clean. He shines through all the dirt and crap on my heart and makes it clean. Thank you Jesus for making me uncomfortable this morning so i could understand what you do for me better.

The Cave, (sorry the formatting went screwy on me.)

In the distance

Just a day away

I see a light

To guide my way

It’s just a glimmer

Barley a glare

But it is freedom

That I will find there

Freedom from sin
falling into grace
freedom from pain
with love in its place

With darkness around me
people who cannot see
in every direction

They try being

Scattered as sheep

Who got lost trying to be free

Just take my hand

And walk with me,

Grab another’s

So that they will see,

The light I know

Is only a day away

We must stick together

Let none be lost on the way.

Through the cave

On toward the light

Tripping over rocks

And sliding on ice

over the ledges

Crawling through with all our might.

We hold on and wait

For those who are with us

No matter their state

Because all of us need each other

to win this fight

We all need each other

To reach this great and wonderful light.

So carry the broken,

And help those who are sick

Call out to the lost

Who have wondered off

Let us follow the path

Of the one who went before

It might be painful

It might not seem fair

But in the end

Let us all draw near.

Because in time it will be clear.

That we have obtained

The goal set before

By loving each other

And seeking the light

Together we will laugh

In such great delight

At the table of one

Who has shown us the path

And helped us on our way

Who gave us the strength

To make it this day.

He will heal our wounds and our scares

He will perfect all that went wrong.

He is the one, who will be strong,

As we fall down at his feet

From the dreary path

Of the cave so deep.

And wipe from our eyes

The dirt and the mud

The pain and the blood.

And together we all shall be

For the first time

Eternally free.

risking

I think risk is something we are all afraid to take. Because when we risk, we have to let go of something, to hold onto another thing thing we are not 100% sure of yet. Its interesting that i am writing this now the day after, i stood on a dock on an inlet of lake Michigan and put my feet on the ice and while slowly putting my wait on, let go of the dock and stood on the ice with out holding on to the dock. I trusted the ice. I did not jump on it or walk out on in. But i had this trust from previous experience that the ice was not going to break. Maybe not the smartest choice, and i know i really frustrated a good friend by doing this (not purposefully, i did not realize they were ganna be upset about it.). But it was a risk seemed adventurous and safe to me. i stood on something no one else had yet. I did something semi-dangerous and got away with it. I risked. Was that risk worth it, no. Not at all. It was not worth getting my friend upset. it was not worth the possible error in judgement that I might have made which would have led to me falling through the ice. Who knows how that would have turned out if it would have happened. But I risked and i am ok. Was it stupid, semi. I tested the ice. I stomped on it while i was sitting on the dock. There were no cracking sounds our boinking sounds that ice makes when it is too thin or unsafe. and i slowly put my weight on it. but was it stupid...semi.

I think there is another risk we take in life. When we hold onto our own wisdom or judgement or faith in ourselves and not in God. I am a person filled with the desire for peace, joy, happiness, love, affection, acceptance, and all those good things. I want that for everyone around me too, not just myself. I feel it so deep inside of me that when those things are missing in me or in someone around me i want to fix that. But I can't always do that. Even knowing this i still try. mostly for my own feeling of security. My own need for those things. And sometimes because i truly want others to have those, but mostly it is selfish. Exceeding selfish. Which is weird because i do good things, and nice things, and am a overly nice and caring person, but i do it usually for my own security then for the care i have for others (alright i don't know, i might be very much overstating that, because i really do love and care for other people with out being selfish about it all the time). Either way, relationally, i desire security. I am afraid to not have that. And i find that i don't take certain risks, because i am afraid of the relational consequences they might have.

What I am coming to realize, is that Jesus risked all the time, and he wanted us to risk. He risked his own relational security to love people that really needed to be loved. He risked the perception people had of him to tell the truth, that no one wanted to hear. And how did he end up before the Resurrection? Alone on a cross, taking the sins of the world on his shoulder. I mean there was the physical pain he felt, which I can not even come close to imagining. And the mental exhaustion he must have been going through was far beyond what i could imagine. But the spiritual pain of taking on the worlds sins, and the risk of letting go of the firm connection that he maintained with his Father through out his entire life up to that point to do so. He risked it all, and for that moment in time was left completely empty. And just for adding my two cents, a lot of people, including myself at times say that because Jesus was perfect he does not understand what it is like to live with the sins that we have committed. I think what we forget, is that he lived with all of them as he hung that cross. He gave up his perfection and perfect and confident grasp of God's love and peace there for how ever many hours until his death. Not only does he understand what is like to live with sin, he died with our sin as though it were his own, ravaging his mind, thoughts, body and soul. I really have to wonder whether it was hanging on that cross that killed him, or the our sins that were laid on him in that moment that killed him. So he understands living with sin, not only did he take on all of ours, but all of each individual that has ever lived. Relationally the pain of that experience is beyond what we can imagine. That is hell, but his reward for doing so was the greatest joy ever experienced. Obtaining the ability for his creation that he loved to have life with him forever.

I don't risk because i don't want to deal with pain. I don't risk because i don't want to be alone or forgotten, or left like Jesus. i don't want to deal with what he was willing to deal with, my sin and the sins of others. And again my two cents, I think we as followers of Christ, are called to first deal with our sins and get the planks out of our eyes, but also to lift burdens, give grace and carry each others sins. We do not get off individually. We are one body, and if one part of the body is sick, or broken, or infected the other parts need to work harder to allow that part to heal. There is no getting away from that, and myself and the rest of the church needs to realize that. But again, I don't want to deal with myself. I want to run away from the pain and not embrace it. i want to ignore the wounds instead of doing what it takes to heal them. The problem i am starting to realize, is that the more i ignore them, the more i end up in situations where they become worse, or get reopened, or don't heal correctly. It's like someone with cancer who ignores it thinking it will go away because they don't want to deal with radiation or chemo, ignoring the fact that the pain of dying from their disease will be far worse, then the life the pain of chemo and radiation will give them. I need to risk the pain of spiritual chemo and radiation. I need to risk letting go of my security in relationships and let myself confront my own issues and insecurities, and let God do what he is waiting to do to heal me in those areas. I know it will feel like a far fall, but i have to risk it and have faith that at some point in the process God is going to catch me and bring me up to a better place, then the place of security i allow myself to stay in right now. I feel like i am standing on a cliff looking into the water scared to jump because of the distance down i need to fall in order to hit the water that i know will refresh my body and soul. Its that spiritual wall that we all mentally face in that situation. But i want life, and to bring it to others. I'm going to jump. I hope you jump with me.

acts 4:12

For salvation is found in no one else; for there is no other name, under heaven given to men, by which we must be saved.

I remember shortly after i decided to become a Christian i was going through a really hard time dealing with what it meant to follow Christ. I remember feeling really alone. Feeling really distant from other people, and unable to connect. On the one hand there were people from church that i knew but was not really friends with, and on the other there were guys in highschool who just did not like me, and i really did not like them, although I idolized the idea of friendship. That was my salvation, being cool, being liked, being popular. Not being alone, or unconnected.

This has come up many times in my life, and i somehow keep coming back to this verse. I can't be saved by anyone but Jesus. No friendship, no relationship, no small group, church community, ministry, job, finacial status, car, cloths, body image, hair cut, song, book, verse, religioun, act, or lack of sin. Nothing can save me but Jesus. I am not sitting here writing this passionatly, just more matter of factly. I have talked with friends recently and have gotten extremly passionate about it. Like where you feel it deep in your chest. I don't really feel anything now. I feel discontent, i feel like i want to have a cigarette, i feel like i am wanting my salvation to be found in something i can put in front of me and touch, another human. Or a song i can hear, or a feeling i can have. The truth is none of those will bring me salvation or take it away. Jesus is where salvation is found. I am so greatful to know that and have him as my savior. I am greatful for what he has done for me, and what he has done for you. I am thankful that my salvation is not dependent upon myself or my actions, but on what has already been done through Christ. no matter what i go through, he has me, no matter my struggles, my fears, my anxieties my insecurities. he is there. I am thankful. Derek Webb talks about Charles Spergeon saying if you have big sin you have a big savior, but if your sin is small then your savior will be small too. I still don't know the extent of my sin, i know it sits on my heart and in my chest. I know it is huge and i know it is almost never ending, i know i have caused great pain in people, that i might not ever be able to ask forgiveness from, and i know i have turned very far away from God at times in my life. I have huge sin. And i thank Jesus, because he is my huge savior. And i am thankful that there is nothing else i can find my salvation in but in him.

consumed

im consumed.
im consumed with myself
my feeling
my emotions
my anxieties
my selfishness.

I want to be in control
i want this,
i want that,
i want i want i want.

like the little two year old inside of me
its mine, its mine, its mine,
and when i don't get what i want,
i throw a temper tantroum.

not outwardly like i did when i was younger,
but inside, i FREAK OUT.
i get so nervous, and so controling and aggitated
and i want to just explode! BOOM!

Why do i do this, because i want to be God.
I want to control everything.
I want everything to go my way,
and exactly how I want it.

Because that way, there will be no disapointment on my end.
i mean seriously screw everyone else, and their needs or the pure desires they have.
And God, yeah right, like he as a perfect plan.

if he had a perfect plan, why do i get hurt.
why do i feel like i was second handed.
I mean sure he gave me two sets of parents that love me to death.
He gave me friends that love me and call me because they want to hang out.
He gave me a good job to pay my bills and go out and have fun.
he gave me, food, shelter and cloths to wear.
he gave me a free car, people to constantly give to me and support me and encourage me.
he gave me a church community that has always embrassed me through every struggle and trial i have been through.
He continually shows his love to me and his grace.
He even died on a cross for me.
not even that, but he did it for everyone else too.

But i still want it my way.
I am still consumed with this disconent with life.
I am still consumed with this desire to be loved more.
and almost a desire to be worshiped.
I mean really i should get that.

I mean i am perfect right,
i only sin everyonce in a while.
when i am at work and don't do my work because i would rather not because it frustrates me.
or when i let my mind wonder about a girl that i think is physically attractive, with out thinking about her humanity.
or when i want to say screw you to everyone else because things are not going my way.

i mean other then my sin, and my struggles, and failings.....im perfect right?
We are all aren't we?

I had a cigar today, well i had two, but only smoked about half of each.

I got frustrated because there are two people who i am stoked to be friends with and know more and have in my life, but i won't let them be them, and i try to control the relationship, and when i know i can't i get frustrated. I hate that. I am so over bearing at times, and i realize it about myself and i want to just let go, but something inside of me screws up my words so they come out even more over bearing. or stupid or fumbled. I am consumed with a desire for connection. to know people on a deeper level. To find love, to find salvation. yet i know that while all this is going on inside my head and my heart. The one i need to be connected to and the one whose connection i need the most is right there. and he reminds me "salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven, given to man, by which we must be saved." "for i know that plans i have for you." "come to me, take my yoke, for it is light," "be still and let the lord fight for you" "He will lead me to green pastures and let me lay by quiet waters." "The lord is my light and my salvation"

I worry, that i won't get what i want. I am still that 2 year old kid in a 24 year old body. I want, its mine. When i should not have, and it is His. So i steal, i control, i take. I take instant, shallow, unsatisfying gratification because i am to impatient to wait for delayed, everlasting, fulfilling gratification. I need to have more trust in God. He has never failed me, and he knows my heart and my impatients. and i need to let him teach me, and mold me and prune me, and it hurts. Becuase i have to deal with my shit, instead of ignore it. He is a good God that won't let me ignore it. He is a gracious God that wont hide the consequences from me, and yet still seeks for me to open up to be redeemed.

God i want that. lay it infront of me so i can't ignore it. Put me infront of me so i can get my shit dealth with. prune me, mold me, refine me. Take the sin, no matter the pain it will cause me in that moment/s. Jesus place in my heart the peace that my salvation is only found in you. let me be content in that, and help me to mature to not be that 2 year old impatient child. Let me see the world through your eyes, because i know that my own seemigly unsatisfied desires, must lead to your will being done in another way. I praise you for that now, and pray you will give me the peace in my heart and joy in my heart to know and understand that always, becuase i am selfish and i forget. help me not to chase lovers less wild. and help me not to worship idols that will always be less satisfying. God my heart aches because of my selfishness, because i don't seek you. Jesus help me to seek you. Jesus help me to hold onto you. Help me to give it all up, everything i have to you. Forgive me father for i have sinned.