risking

I think risk is something we are all afraid to take. Because when we risk, we have to let go of something, to hold onto another thing thing we are not 100% sure of yet. Its interesting that i am writing this now the day after, i stood on a dock on an inlet of lake Michigan and put my feet on the ice and while slowly putting my wait on, let go of the dock and stood on the ice with out holding on to the dock. I trusted the ice. I did not jump on it or walk out on in. But i had this trust from previous experience that the ice was not going to break. Maybe not the smartest choice, and i know i really frustrated a good friend by doing this (not purposefully, i did not realize they were ganna be upset about it.). But it was a risk seemed adventurous and safe to me. i stood on something no one else had yet. I did something semi-dangerous and got away with it. I risked. Was that risk worth it, no. Not at all. It was not worth getting my friend upset. it was not worth the possible error in judgement that I might have made which would have led to me falling through the ice. Who knows how that would have turned out if it would have happened. But I risked and i am ok. Was it stupid, semi. I tested the ice. I stomped on it while i was sitting on the dock. There were no cracking sounds our boinking sounds that ice makes when it is too thin or unsafe. and i slowly put my weight on it. but was it stupid...semi.

I think there is another risk we take in life. When we hold onto our own wisdom or judgement or faith in ourselves and not in God. I am a person filled with the desire for peace, joy, happiness, love, affection, acceptance, and all those good things. I want that for everyone around me too, not just myself. I feel it so deep inside of me that when those things are missing in me or in someone around me i want to fix that. But I can't always do that. Even knowing this i still try. mostly for my own feeling of security. My own need for those things. And sometimes because i truly want others to have those, but mostly it is selfish. Exceeding selfish. Which is weird because i do good things, and nice things, and am a overly nice and caring person, but i do it usually for my own security then for the care i have for others (alright i don't know, i might be very much overstating that, because i really do love and care for other people with out being selfish about it all the time). Either way, relationally, i desire security. I am afraid to not have that. And i find that i don't take certain risks, because i am afraid of the relational consequences they might have.

What I am coming to realize, is that Jesus risked all the time, and he wanted us to risk. He risked his own relational security to love people that really needed to be loved. He risked the perception people had of him to tell the truth, that no one wanted to hear. And how did he end up before the Resurrection? Alone on a cross, taking the sins of the world on his shoulder. I mean there was the physical pain he felt, which I can not even come close to imagining. And the mental exhaustion he must have been going through was far beyond what i could imagine. But the spiritual pain of taking on the worlds sins, and the risk of letting go of the firm connection that he maintained with his Father through out his entire life up to that point to do so. He risked it all, and for that moment in time was left completely empty. And just for adding my two cents, a lot of people, including myself at times say that because Jesus was perfect he does not understand what it is like to live with the sins that we have committed. I think what we forget, is that he lived with all of them as he hung that cross. He gave up his perfection and perfect and confident grasp of God's love and peace there for how ever many hours until his death. Not only does he understand what is like to live with sin, he died with our sin as though it were his own, ravaging his mind, thoughts, body and soul. I really have to wonder whether it was hanging on that cross that killed him, or the our sins that were laid on him in that moment that killed him. So he understands living with sin, not only did he take on all of ours, but all of each individual that has ever lived. Relationally the pain of that experience is beyond what we can imagine. That is hell, but his reward for doing so was the greatest joy ever experienced. Obtaining the ability for his creation that he loved to have life with him forever.

I don't risk because i don't want to deal with pain. I don't risk because i don't want to be alone or forgotten, or left like Jesus. i don't want to deal with what he was willing to deal with, my sin and the sins of others. And again my two cents, I think we as followers of Christ, are called to first deal with our sins and get the planks out of our eyes, but also to lift burdens, give grace and carry each others sins. We do not get off individually. We are one body, and if one part of the body is sick, or broken, or infected the other parts need to work harder to allow that part to heal. There is no getting away from that, and myself and the rest of the church needs to realize that. But again, I don't want to deal with myself. I want to run away from the pain and not embrace it. i want to ignore the wounds instead of doing what it takes to heal them. The problem i am starting to realize, is that the more i ignore them, the more i end up in situations where they become worse, or get reopened, or don't heal correctly. It's like someone with cancer who ignores it thinking it will go away because they don't want to deal with radiation or chemo, ignoring the fact that the pain of dying from their disease will be far worse, then the life the pain of chemo and radiation will give them. I need to risk the pain of spiritual chemo and radiation. I need to risk letting go of my security in relationships and let myself confront my own issues and insecurities, and let God do what he is waiting to do to heal me in those areas. I know it will feel like a far fall, but i have to risk it and have faith that at some point in the process God is going to catch me and bring me up to a better place, then the place of security i allow myself to stay in right now. I feel like i am standing on a cliff looking into the water scared to jump because of the distance down i need to fall in order to hit the water that i know will refresh my body and soul. Its that spiritual wall that we all mentally face in that situation. But i want life, and to bring it to others. I'm going to jump. I hope you jump with me.