consumed

im consumed.
im consumed with myself
my feeling
my emotions
my anxieties
my selfishness.

I want to be in control
i want this,
i want that,
i want i want i want.

like the little two year old inside of me
its mine, its mine, its mine,
and when i don't get what i want,
i throw a temper tantroum.

not outwardly like i did when i was younger,
but inside, i FREAK OUT.
i get so nervous, and so controling and aggitated
and i want to just explode! BOOM!

Why do i do this, because i want to be God.
I want to control everything.
I want everything to go my way,
and exactly how I want it.

Because that way, there will be no disapointment on my end.
i mean seriously screw everyone else, and their needs or the pure desires they have.
And God, yeah right, like he as a perfect plan.

if he had a perfect plan, why do i get hurt.
why do i feel like i was second handed.
I mean sure he gave me two sets of parents that love me to death.
He gave me friends that love me and call me because they want to hang out.
He gave me a good job to pay my bills and go out and have fun.
he gave me, food, shelter and cloths to wear.
he gave me a free car, people to constantly give to me and support me and encourage me.
he gave me a church community that has always embrassed me through every struggle and trial i have been through.
He continually shows his love to me and his grace.
He even died on a cross for me.
not even that, but he did it for everyone else too.

But i still want it my way.
I am still consumed with this disconent with life.
I am still consumed with this desire to be loved more.
and almost a desire to be worshiped.
I mean really i should get that.

I mean i am perfect right,
i only sin everyonce in a while.
when i am at work and don't do my work because i would rather not because it frustrates me.
or when i let my mind wonder about a girl that i think is physically attractive, with out thinking about her humanity.
or when i want to say screw you to everyone else because things are not going my way.

i mean other then my sin, and my struggles, and failings.....im perfect right?
We are all aren't we?

I had a cigar today, well i had two, but only smoked about half of each.

I got frustrated because there are two people who i am stoked to be friends with and know more and have in my life, but i won't let them be them, and i try to control the relationship, and when i know i can't i get frustrated. I hate that. I am so over bearing at times, and i realize it about myself and i want to just let go, but something inside of me screws up my words so they come out even more over bearing. or stupid or fumbled. I am consumed with a desire for connection. to know people on a deeper level. To find love, to find salvation. yet i know that while all this is going on inside my head and my heart. The one i need to be connected to and the one whose connection i need the most is right there. and he reminds me "salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven, given to man, by which we must be saved." "for i know that plans i have for you." "come to me, take my yoke, for it is light," "be still and let the lord fight for you" "He will lead me to green pastures and let me lay by quiet waters." "The lord is my light and my salvation"

I worry, that i won't get what i want. I am still that 2 year old kid in a 24 year old body. I want, its mine. When i should not have, and it is His. So i steal, i control, i take. I take instant, shallow, unsatisfying gratification because i am to impatient to wait for delayed, everlasting, fulfilling gratification. I need to have more trust in God. He has never failed me, and he knows my heart and my impatients. and i need to let him teach me, and mold me and prune me, and it hurts. Becuase i have to deal with my shit, instead of ignore it. He is a good God that won't let me ignore it. He is a gracious God that wont hide the consequences from me, and yet still seeks for me to open up to be redeemed.

God i want that. lay it infront of me so i can't ignore it. Put me infront of me so i can get my shit dealth with. prune me, mold me, refine me. Take the sin, no matter the pain it will cause me in that moment/s. Jesus place in my heart the peace that my salvation is only found in you. let me be content in that, and help me to mature to not be that 2 year old impatient child. Let me see the world through your eyes, because i know that my own seemigly unsatisfied desires, must lead to your will being done in another way. I praise you for that now, and pray you will give me the peace in my heart and joy in my heart to know and understand that always, becuase i am selfish and i forget. help me not to chase lovers less wild. and help me not to worship idols that will always be less satisfying. God my heart aches because of my selfishness, because i don't seek you. Jesus help me to seek you. Jesus help me to hold onto you. Help me to give it all up, everything i have to you. Forgive me father for i have sinned.