risking

I think risk is something we are all afraid to take. Because when we risk, we have to let go of something, to hold onto another thing thing we are not 100% sure of yet. Its interesting that i am writing this now the day after, i stood on a dock on an inlet of lake Michigan and put my feet on the ice and while slowly putting my wait on, let go of the dock and stood on the ice with out holding on to the dock. I trusted the ice. I did not jump on it or walk out on in. But i had this trust from previous experience that the ice was not going to break. Maybe not the smartest choice, and i know i really frustrated a good friend by doing this (not purposefully, i did not realize they were ganna be upset about it.). But it was a risk seemed adventurous and safe to me. i stood on something no one else had yet. I did something semi-dangerous and got away with it. I risked. Was that risk worth it, no. Not at all. It was not worth getting my friend upset. it was not worth the possible error in judgement that I might have made which would have led to me falling through the ice. Who knows how that would have turned out if it would have happened. But I risked and i am ok. Was it stupid, semi. I tested the ice. I stomped on it while i was sitting on the dock. There were no cracking sounds our boinking sounds that ice makes when it is too thin or unsafe. and i slowly put my weight on it. but was it stupid...semi.

I think there is another risk we take in life. When we hold onto our own wisdom or judgement or faith in ourselves and not in God. I am a person filled with the desire for peace, joy, happiness, love, affection, acceptance, and all those good things. I want that for everyone around me too, not just myself. I feel it so deep inside of me that when those things are missing in me or in someone around me i want to fix that. But I can't always do that. Even knowing this i still try. mostly for my own feeling of security. My own need for those things. And sometimes because i truly want others to have those, but mostly it is selfish. Exceeding selfish. Which is weird because i do good things, and nice things, and am a overly nice and caring person, but i do it usually for my own security then for the care i have for others (alright i don't know, i might be very much overstating that, because i really do love and care for other people with out being selfish about it all the time). Either way, relationally, i desire security. I am afraid to not have that. And i find that i don't take certain risks, because i am afraid of the relational consequences they might have.

What I am coming to realize, is that Jesus risked all the time, and he wanted us to risk. He risked his own relational security to love people that really needed to be loved. He risked the perception people had of him to tell the truth, that no one wanted to hear. And how did he end up before the Resurrection? Alone on a cross, taking the sins of the world on his shoulder. I mean there was the physical pain he felt, which I can not even come close to imagining. And the mental exhaustion he must have been going through was far beyond what i could imagine. But the spiritual pain of taking on the worlds sins, and the risk of letting go of the firm connection that he maintained with his Father through out his entire life up to that point to do so. He risked it all, and for that moment in time was left completely empty. And just for adding my two cents, a lot of people, including myself at times say that because Jesus was perfect he does not understand what it is like to live with the sins that we have committed. I think what we forget, is that he lived with all of them as he hung that cross. He gave up his perfection and perfect and confident grasp of God's love and peace there for how ever many hours until his death. Not only does he understand what is like to live with sin, he died with our sin as though it were his own, ravaging his mind, thoughts, body and soul. I really have to wonder whether it was hanging on that cross that killed him, or the our sins that were laid on him in that moment that killed him. So he understands living with sin, not only did he take on all of ours, but all of each individual that has ever lived. Relationally the pain of that experience is beyond what we can imagine. That is hell, but his reward for doing so was the greatest joy ever experienced. Obtaining the ability for his creation that he loved to have life with him forever.

I don't risk because i don't want to deal with pain. I don't risk because i don't want to be alone or forgotten, or left like Jesus. i don't want to deal with what he was willing to deal with, my sin and the sins of others. And again my two cents, I think we as followers of Christ, are called to first deal with our sins and get the planks out of our eyes, but also to lift burdens, give grace and carry each others sins. We do not get off individually. We are one body, and if one part of the body is sick, or broken, or infected the other parts need to work harder to allow that part to heal. There is no getting away from that, and myself and the rest of the church needs to realize that. But again, I don't want to deal with myself. I want to run away from the pain and not embrace it. i want to ignore the wounds instead of doing what it takes to heal them. The problem i am starting to realize, is that the more i ignore them, the more i end up in situations where they become worse, or get reopened, or don't heal correctly. It's like someone with cancer who ignores it thinking it will go away because they don't want to deal with radiation or chemo, ignoring the fact that the pain of dying from their disease will be far worse, then the life the pain of chemo and radiation will give them. I need to risk the pain of spiritual chemo and radiation. I need to risk letting go of my security in relationships and let myself confront my own issues and insecurities, and let God do what he is waiting to do to heal me in those areas. I know it will feel like a far fall, but i have to risk it and have faith that at some point in the process God is going to catch me and bring me up to a better place, then the place of security i allow myself to stay in right now. I feel like i am standing on a cliff looking into the water scared to jump because of the distance down i need to fall in order to hit the water that i know will refresh my body and soul. Its that spiritual wall that we all mentally face in that situation. But i want life, and to bring it to others. I'm going to jump. I hope you jump with me.

acts 4:12

For salvation is found in no one else; for there is no other name, under heaven given to men, by which we must be saved.

I remember shortly after i decided to become a Christian i was going through a really hard time dealing with what it meant to follow Christ. I remember feeling really alone. Feeling really distant from other people, and unable to connect. On the one hand there were people from church that i knew but was not really friends with, and on the other there were guys in highschool who just did not like me, and i really did not like them, although I idolized the idea of friendship. That was my salvation, being cool, being liked, being popular. Not being alone, or unconnected.

This has come up many times in my life, and i somehow keep coming back to this verse. I can't be saved by anyone but Jesus. No friendship, no relationship, no small group, church community, ministry, job, finacial status, car, cloths, body image, hair cut, song, book, verse, religioun, act, or lack of sin. Nothing can save me but Jesus. I am not sitting here writing this passionatly, just more matter of factly. I have talked with friends recently and have gotten extremly passionate about it. Like where you feel it deep in your chest. I don't really feel anything now. I feel discontent, i feel like i want to have a cigarette, i feel like i am wanting my salvation to be found in something i can put in front of me and touch, another human. Or a song i can hear, or a feeling i can have. The truth is none of those will bring me salvation or take it away. Jesus is where salvation is found. I am so greatful to know that and have him as my savior. I am greatful for what he has done for me, and what he has done for you. I am thankful that my salvation is not dependent upon myself or my actions, but on what has already been done through Christ. no matter what i go through, he has me, no matter my struggles, my fears, my anxieties my insecurities. he is there. I am thankful. Derek Webb talks about Charles Spergeon saying if you have big sin you have a big savior, but if your sin is small then your savior will be small too. I still don't know the extent of my sin, i know it sits on my heart and in my chest. I know it is huge and i know it is almost never ending, i know i have caused great pain in people, that i might not ever be able to ask forgiveness from, and i know i have turned very far away from God at times in my life. I have huge sin. And i thank Jesus, because he is my huge savior. And i am thankful that there is nothing else i can find my salvation in but in him.

consumed

im consumed.
im consumed with myself
my feeling
my emotions
my anxieties
my selfishness.

I want to be in control
i want this,
i want that,
i want i want i want.

like the little two year old inside of me
its mine, its mine, its mine,
and when i don't get what i want,
i throw a temper tantroum.

not outwardly like i did when i was younger,
but inside, i FREAK OUT.
i get so nervous, and so controling and aggitated
and i want to just explode! BOOM!

Why do i do this, because i want to be God.
I want to control everything.
I want everything to go my way,
and exactly how I want it.

Because that way, there will be no disapointment on my end.
i mean seriously screw everyone else, and their needs or the pure desires they have.
And God, yeah right, like he as a perfect plan.

if he had a perfect plan, why do i get hurt.
why do i feel like i was second handed.
I mean sure he gave me two sets of parents that love me to death.
He gave me friends that love me and call me because they want to hang out.
He gave me a good job to pay my bills and go out and have fun.
he gave me, food, shelter and cloths to wear.
he gave me a free car, people to constantly give to me and support me and encourage me.
he gave me a church community that has always embrassed me through every struggle and trial i have been through.
He continually shows his love to me and his grace.
He even died on a cross for me.
not even that, but he did it for everyone else too.

But i still want it my way.
I am still consumed with this disconent with life.
I am still consumed with this desire to be loved more.
and almost a desire to be worshiped.
I mean really i should get that.

I mean i am perfect right,
i only sin everyonce in a while.
when i am at work and don't do my work because i would rather not because it frustrates me.
or when i let my mind wonder about a girl that i think is physically attractive, with out thinking about her humanity.
or when i want to say screw you to everyone else because things are not going my way.

i mean other then my sin, and my struggles, and failings.....im perfect right?
We are all aren't we?

I had a cigar today, well i had two, but only smoked about half of each.

I got frustrated because there are two people who i am stoked to be friends with and know more and have in my life, but i won't let them be them, and i try to control the relationship, and when i know i can't i get frustrated. I hate that. I am so over bearing at times, and i realize it about myself and i want to just let go, but something inside of me screws up my words so they come out even more over bearing. or stupid or fumbled. I am consumed with a desire for connection. to know people on a deeper level. To find love, to find salvation. yet i know that while all this is going on inside my head and my heart. The one i need to be connected to and the one whose connection i need the most is right there. and he reminds me "salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven, given to man, by which we must be saved." "for i know that plans i have for you." "come to me, take my yoke, for it is light," "be still and let the lord fight for you" "He will lead me to green pastures and let me lay by quiet waters." "The lord is my light and my salvation"

I worry, that i won't get what i want. I am still that 2 year old kid in a 24 year old body. I want, its mine. When i should not have, and it is His. So i steal, i control, i take. I take instant, shallow, unsatisfying gratification because i am to impatient to wait for delayed, everlasting, fulfilling gratification. I need to have more trust in God. He has never failed me, and he knows my heart and my impatients. and i need to let him teach me, and mold me and prune me, and it hurts. Becuase i have to deal with my shit, instead of ignore it. He is a good God that won't let me ignore it. He is a gracious God that wont hide the consequences from me, and yet still seeks for me to open up to be redeemed.

God i want that. lay it infront of me so i can't ignore it. Put me infront of me so i can get my shit dealth with. prune me, mold me, refine me. Take the sin, no matter the pain it will cause me in that moment/s. Jesus place in my heart the peace that my salvation is only found in you. let me be content in that, and help me to mature to not be that 2 year old impatient child. Let me see the world through your eyes, because i know that my own seemigly unsatisfied desires, must lead to your will being done in another way. I praise you for that now, and pray you will give me the peace in my heart and joy in my heart to know and understand that always, becuase i am selfish and i forget. help me not to chase lovers less wild. and help me not to worship idols that will always be less satisfying. God my heart aches because of my selfishness, because i don't seek you. Jesus help me to seek you. Jesus help me to hold onto you. Help me to give it all up, everything i have to you. Forgive me father for i have sinned.

connection

I have a desire to be found
to be know inside and out
to be loved by something i can touch and see.

but when this desire is unwound
i find my knees fall to the ground.
I know that you are really
the only one i need.

So forgive me when i turn away
forgive me when i replace
the call of your voice
for a love that seems more easy right now.

In side my head i don't feel alive,
in my heart, i just want to survive,
and out side i just wish someone else would recognize
the heart that i want to give.

But i know all this is only pride
i know that its a dirty rag that i provide,
I know that that my life should be sacrificed
without wanting or needing to be glorified.


so hand me the curtians or mop that i need
to do for you what you will for me,
and stop my heart from feeling small
for doing what in my mind seems so menial
for wanting to be a king to be seen
instead of this sinner i know that is me.
Give me your peace and confidence
to help me to get rid of this
monster inside whose hunger won't die
in needing to be known
in needing to be shown

affirmation in the person that i am.
Let me rest inside your plan.
let me hold on to your grace,
and not look away.