God will give you everything you need, make you everything you are to be.

I have had such a mix of feeling over the past couple weeks. I have felt peace and happiness which i havent felt in years. I felt anxiety and depression. I think the thing I need to remember and the thing that is a constant is love. I am blessed beyond belief with the amount of love i have around me. My friends, my family, my church community. I can think of over 20 states where I have friends who love me. I have family spread across the country who love me. More then that I have a God who loves th 8 billion people in the world. He knows each one of them by name, he knows each of them more then they know themselves and he loves them. He has completly providence over the world. Over every situation that happens in the lives of those 8 million people. He cares deeply about them, yet he is more then willing to take time to be my father, and to listen to my prayers and to know what is best for me and guide me to that place. He does not just guide the over arching rules that he gives everyone. It is not and umbrella love. It is a deep and personal love. He knows my struggles, he knows how every second of my life has led me to every thing that i am. The maturity i have in some areas of my life, the insecurities i have, the distored views i have and clarity i have in. He knows the compassion and love i have in my life, and he knows the reasons behind all the anxieties and struggles that i have. and no matter how far i walk away from what he wants for me, he loves me. no matter how much i seclude myself he is there, no matter how much i don't say to those who need to hear what is going on, who really need to hear, He knows, he knows the deapths of all things that are going on. he knows the joys that he is responsible for, the frustration that i have over following him at times. As he looks at me as a father looks at a stuborn child and says with a smile as he laughs and tells me that i will understand when i am older. I need to always remember this, this is the reason for the joy i have with in. Because i have a God who has loved me more then i will ever be loved. Because i have a God that was willing to sacrifice his life for me and is patient with me, and will never leave me or forsake me. Because he wants what is best for me and at all times is willing to allow me to go through pain and frustration and danger to bring me closer to him, and help me understand the love he has for me. This is joy.

little lamb

please don't take the smile from my face
and none could ever trace
the places where heart will go

to hear a voice in my ear
so soft and so clear
little lamb it has been too long.

as joy over takes
my heart stirs as it breaks
with happiness which is much over do.

its your face which i can't wait
and to feel your embrace
reunited so long over due.

to see in your eyes
and hear the voice of suprise
the smell of a embrace
surrounded by grace
as we reunite after such a long time.

sabbath

So i was watching this video the otherday call "everything spiritual" i think that was the name of it. it was by Rob Bell. Amazing teacher. Anyways, he made this comment about being human beings. Not human doing, but human being. It made me think so much about my family. I have a mom who cannot sit still for the life of her, i have a dad who is constatnly working on something to make it better, and a grandfather, who will never stop doing untill the day he dies. I have to wonder if they live thier lives this way because they think their value comes through what they do and not just in being created by their creator. There is a contrast in the bible between what it means to be a human being, and leaving a legacy. I see my dad, my mom and my grandfather as people who want to leave a legacy. But they never take time to enjoy their accoplishments. My step mom told my dad last night "we got a lot done today" and my dad's response...."we didn't do enough." i'm going to brag a little bit. my dad's house is beautiful. his lawn is immaculate, and his ability to fix and land scape is just flat out ridiculous in such a good way. We have a multiple arangements of flowers around the house. we have a zen garden type tree area in our front yard. we have our "wisconsin camp ground" area in the back, along with huge picnak table and hamock. We have a hottube an enormous deck that has chill out area underneath. we have a huge sound system, we also have a bags area that we can light up at night, we have a front yard that fits a full size volleyball court an 8 car driveway, and a place to cook a pig. not to mention the inside which my dad and step mom have completly remodeled on their own. so now we have a beatuiful kitchen down stairs, that has open space design to it. And my dad's words' "we didn't do enough."
My mom, i don't even know where to begin. She has a masters in education, she is going back for a second degree in technology, she is the vp of multiple organizations and started an international film festival for Geneva. She put together with her own brain and two hands an entire television studio for Geneva high school and is being sought after by schools all around the nation to teach for them. She is also know over 50 and seriously considering adopting a child. She doesnt stop. She can't sit still she can't just be.
Both of my parents are leaving legacies. Both of them will be remebered and talked about for generations after they pass. Both of them will be honored for thier lives and what they had accomplished and who they are. I am beyond blessed to have them as parents. What i wish with all of my heart, is that they could rest for one day, look at all they have accomplished and enjoy knowing what God has done through them. oh yeah not to mention they have raised me and my siblings. and to be honest we are some crazy kids, but we all turned out pretty incredible.

Something that this makes me think about though is that, i don't think they nessisarily do everything they do because of the legacy they want to live. I don't think they do it to set a good example, which both occur from it. I honestly think they do it out of love, a little bit, but even more out of fear. That their working gives them value. It gives them worth. and that kind of breaks my heart.....and to be really honest its kind of my tendency to do the same thing. Because their worth and value, my worth and value, have nothing to do with what do or don't do, with what i have done or will do. It is solely based on Jesus and what he did.

look at me, look at me, look what i did. I think thats what i want to say so often deep inside of myself. Look at me i fed the poor. Looked at me i went to china. look at me i am still a vergin. Look at me i read my bible. look at me i pray. look at me i do cancer research and graduated with incredible grades from a really good college. look at me i drive a mini cooper. look at me i have an i phone. look at me i have a stable income. look at me i love people. look at me i lust. look at me i am prideful. look at me i am arrogant. look at me i talk one way and act another. look at me i smoke. look at me i struggle with porn. look at me i objectify people to get what i want from them. look at me i steal. look at me i kill. look at me because i take the humanity away from someone and use them as an object. look at me i'm selfish. look at me. i mean wait.....don't look at the last stuff i just wrote just the first have the really good half and judge me based on that stuff.

Look at God. look at how he has transformed my life over the past year, and yet i have not really stopped to say thank you till today. He loved me so much to not allow me to stay shackled to the crap i was in. He did not allow me to stay in the pit. in the mud, in mire. He pulled me out, even at times when i was kicking and punching because of how afraid i was of where i was at. He pulled me out. he would not let me stay there. Because he loved me. It was my own choices that put me there in the first place, and yet he said, i love you to much to allow you to stay there, not only am i going to pull you out, but all those decisions you made, i am going to take your place and put them on myself. I am going to count your failure as my own. and my faithfulness and grace and love is what will replace your failure. He say "lets trade".

i guess to put it simply no matter how much effort we put forth. no matter how much we do, our worth and value will never come from that. It is only found in Jesus christ and what He did, and being a creature that he loves, and through the work the holy spirit continues to do in us. It is all about him, and not about us.