call it what you want

God is doing something in me that I have wanted for so long. He is putting me in community, he is giving me friends, he is helping me to find something to think about that is not myself. I am broken, i am not perfect, i am not whole, i sin horribly, and i am so confused inside. But God loves me, he wants to redeem me, he wants to take the pain and confusion that has consumed me and help me to love others through it.

Ok that just needed to come out, but here is what i want to write about. On Friday i ran into some friends at the train station when i was getting of work. I walked into the station thinking i needed to get home, but also thinking (seriously not even joking) God if you have something else then let me know to take that time. So i walk into the great hall and my friends are sitting on the bench talking. Steve, Al, Sarah, Chelsea, and Sher. They are all my friends some of them just don't have homes. the two that don't have homes are what others would think of as typical homeless people who are dirty, dangerous, drug addicts and the such. Which honestly might be the case when you don't know them. But we know them. One of them went out side to have a cigarette with me and i just listened to their story. It was hard, they had a pretty good life: condo, cars, girlfriend, possibly more then one. But they got involved with drugs with their friends and ended up losing everything and living on the street. as we were smoking a guy bust through the door and asked if my friend wanted to go smoke a joint. He did so they went.

About ten min. later my other friend wanted to have a cig with me so we walk out and i go to pull one of mine out and they said no man, you gave me one last week i want you to have one of mine this week. So i took one and we started talking. it was the best conversation i have had with my friend. They were sober...ish. they told me about their family and how much they hated their father. How painful life is for them and how much they wish things were different. They told me that when us who have homes come up to hang out with them it makes them want to be different. it makes them want to take care of themselves and clean up a little. my friend told me he doesn't have a family, but then when he thinks about it we are his family. it was one of the coolest things i have heard. My friend told me on Sunday when we came down my friend was going to be cleaned up because they wanted to be cleaned up for us. it was such an incredible conversation. I felt like it was a step in the right direction is was a glimmer of hope for a completely devastated soul.

So Sunday comes around and i am sitting in the train station talking with another friend and i see this cop banging on this bench kicking my friend out. I run over to my friend who is completely wasted, more then i have ever seen him. i walk him out side and get him some hot chocolate trying to sober him up. He asked why I was down there today because we are suppose to be there on Sunday. I looked at him a little confused and said it is Sunday. he had no clue. this time with more of my friends around we sat and talked with him for 4 hours and he told us more about his family and some how in his drunken state was able to make us really think about how much we need to appreciate our families.

Here is what i don't get. How do we continue to love on our friends and encourage them to be honest with us and be who they are, but not at the same time make them think that their drunkenness or drug use or what ever is OK? We except them and will tell them that, just as they are, but do we tell them its OK for them to be drunk, or go smoke a joint. I don't judge them, God knows i have addictions and have done those things, but they are destroying themselves with it. what are the words to say to bring change in their hearts, what are the actions, what do we do?

As i write that i realize, its God. It can only be from God. It has to be God. and it is now our job to change them. Its our job to love them, and God's job to change them. if all this writing is complicated and all over the place i wold challenge anyone to try building a consistent genuine friendship with a homeless person and then write about your thoughts with out it being all over the place. Complex. i need to write more about this and pray more about this. Please pray for my friends. please pray for their safety, please pray for their hearts. Please pray for their ability to overcome. Please pray for God to continue to move in them because they are just as stubborn as i am. and as you are. and next time you see a homeless person just ask yourself if you have ever made a mistake or sinned. don't necessarily give them money, but shake their hand, ask their name and learn their story. they need a friend.

So a few years ago I was attending Mars Hill Church out in Seattle, and Mark Dricoll was giving a sermon talking about how when we hear the bible we want to be the good guys and usually put the face of the people who are not so good on the people around us. But in actuallity we are so much more like those who sin the worst then those who do the greatest. Specifically he was talking about the idea of Cain and Abel. How it is easy for some of us to see ourselves as Abel and doing the most good and it is easy for us to judge others as cain, but the truth is we are so filled with pride and greed ourselves that we should really see ourselves as cain. With in this he also spoke about the idea of common grace and saving grace. God in his love gives common grace to everyone, he does not just kill us for having sinned, but it those who chose or have been choosen (for all you crazy calvinists out there) who gain saving grace and are accepted and made clean by God. I am not sure I completly agree with this idea because I am not very calvinistic in my beliefs, and i also don't think it should in anyway make a diffrence in how we live our lives following Jesus. Anyways, I still find myself struggling at times with the idea of salvation and grace. I wrote this song as a song of repentance and a cry for help and redemption.



I write a lot of stuff, songs poetry and so on. I think inside my heart i would love for everything i write to be a song, but i am almost positive that it would need to be translated into other languages to sound anything close to being considered good. But this is one of the few that I actually love. There are just those few times where the lyrics and the music just flow together and this is how this song was writen, everything just fit. Anyways, maybe some day you will hear this song get played and then you will know the whole story behind it, or maybe you will just read it and never hear it, but can relate to it and use it for your own prayer of repentance.









I have become cain today

I shed the blood of one who made

a sacrifice that foundfavor in your eyes



i am the wicked one

who tried to buy freedome and grace

with out having any faith



will you show me your saving grace

I am so afraid of falling away



I am like pharoh

i hold onto my hardened heart

not letting outthe pride that will

put my face to the ground.



I am like peter denying that i know you

just for now, i look away

i already know the price you'll pay.



will you show me your saving grace

I am so afraid of falling away.